religion & spirituality

blog: “as above so below”

“As above, so below” – a symbiotic relationship of supplication, faith, and manifestation.

We send things to “the above” through prayer, ritual, and petition. We send out our energy and our dreams into the universe, up to the heavens, out to the listening ears of the fae. And the Universe responds to our requests by manifesting them on the physical plane. So mote it be.

We often engage in acts of symbolism in “the below” to prove to the Universe our commitment and our faith. We light a candle and watch until the flame flickers out. We burn a stick of incense and immerse ourselves in its scent. We pray for love, and buy a box of chocolates or bouquet of flowers. We pray for money and buy a lotto ticket. Small acts of symbolism to seal the deal.

Everything is a symbol. Everything has a deeper meaning. And we spiral down into meaning until nothing is real and everything is real all at once. This is the beauty of nihilism. When everything matters equally, then nothing matters at all. And when nothing matters, then everything matters equally.

It’s a cycle that creates a blank canvas for us to play in, to define our own meanings, morals and values. There’s a structure in the chaos, and chaos in the structure.

All is well.

All is as it should be.

Blessed be.

Xx

blog: doing a runner on God

Imagine you’re young, dumb, and dating someone way too good for you.  They’re smart and beautiful, courageous, generous, kind, loyal, and honest. They’d go to the ends of the earth for you. They believe in you and your potential. And all they ask is for you to trust them, and be the same.

But you – you’re selfish and self-destructive. You’re riddled with demons and vices and addictions.  You’ve already made mistakes. You know you’re not good enough for them, and it makes you feel resentful and dissatisfied even when things are good. You start to nitpick. You start to act out. You cheat on them. And at every turn you’re met with forgiveness and second chances.

Finally, your guilt causes you to part ways. You thought it was for good. Your future relationships range from toxic and abusive to nice and almost (but not quite) perfect. There’s always something missing. You eventually straighten yourself out and get most of your ducks in a row. Time passes. You keep up with your ex through mutual friends – you find out they’re doing great, and you’re happy for them. Life goes on.

Then you have a chance meeting, and it’s clear there’s still something there. After all this time, they’re still the amazing person they always were, if not more so.  You begin to think, you might be good enough this time. You become friends again. You know they’re holding the door open, waiting for you. And you think, maybe you really can rewind the clock, get back some of those lost years, become the person they always wanted you to be. You start to get acquainted with hope.

Then you look in the mirror and you see all your scars, the imperfections and flaws your life choices have brought on. You realise you can never change the past, or undo your mistakes. You have been forgiven, but deep inside you’ll never be able to forgive yourself or quiet your demons.

You’re in the bathroom at the restaurant you took them to. They’re waiting for you at the table.  It’s decision time – what do you do? Do you walk away? How can you move forward, when forward means taking yourself right down to your foundations, and starting from square one?

It’s tempting to just put up with the life you built for yourself, it’s not perfect, but it’s safe and familiar and it’s solid. But how does one – how CAN one – do a runner on God?

poem: a daily prayer

– My spin on an old classic ;)

Oh Divine Creator
Whose spirit fills the universe
Beautiful and sacred is your name
As it is written above
So shall it be below
Provide for us and sustain us
And forgive us
When we stray from the path of goodness
So that we may learn to show mercy
To those who have wronged us
Give us wisdom 
To avoid those who would do harm 
And the strength to fight our darker natures
For your domain of purity and light 
Which was, is and always will be
World without end – 

Amen

blog: on the nature of belief

A thing happens.

Or I find myself in circumstances I don’t fully understand.

Or perhaps things are happening in the background, and I don’t even know.

Then suddenly, something happens that would not have happened if those other things had not happened, something Good.

And I say, “I am Blessed!”

But – blessed by Who?

Am I really even Blessed?

These are the questions that form the basis of the God/no God argument. These are the questions I wrestle with in my soul.

You say, “Of course there is a God! How can you not see all the good He has done for you?

Another might say, “There is no God – It is a series of unrelated circumstances to which you are applying a religious bias.”

Still another might say, “There is a God, but he/she does not micromanage. These events were brought about through your own actions and through coincidence.”

And I say, simply, that I do not know.

Countless happenings day in day out go unnoticed, unremarked upon, because they do not connect to any Good Things. So it is possible that things just happen.

And countless things happen which lead to Very Bad Things too, and cause people to wonder if there is a benevolent Someone In Charge, what use could they have for suffering? So it is possible that there is Nobody In Charge, and that things just happen.

But what I do know is that seeing the butterfly effect of a word spoken, a touch granted, a thoughtful gesture made –

Watching all of those puzzle pieces fall into place with perfect hindsight vision to culminate into the occurrence of a Good Thing,

Makes me feel that there is reason and rhyme to the universe, makes me feel calm, connected to life, safe as if I’m not alone in the wind.

It reassures me that though bad things happen, good things will happen too in time. That is the Faith I hold in my heart.

To dedicate my life to wholehearted and unconditional love, to send out good into the universe, and hope to be part of someone else’s Good Thing.

And to accept love’s ebb and flow into my life, to have patience and endure through the Bad Things, knowing unequivocally this truth –

That Good Things will come once more in their own time.

blog: life has always felt a little shaky

When it comes to medical dramas I was a Chicago Hope fan back in the day.  And one character who only appeared on one episode somehow was able to sum up my whole life experience in one sentence; Carole Kane (as Marguerite Birch) says, “Life has always felt a little shaky to me, ya know?” That one line from that one episode has lived rent-free in my head ever since.

I’ve never felt I had a full grasp on life, on reality or sanity.  I live in that half-light world between dreams and waking; time is and always has been a very loose concept for me. I’ve always felt broken somehow, like a puzzle whose pieces don’t quite lock into place – even if you complete the picture, it will never look cohesive; it will always look like an ill-fitting mesh of laminated cardboard, instead of a landscape or a building or whatever is depicted on the front of the box.  And yet, this dissonance with life and with reality allows me to step outside myself and appreciate things in a way I could not if I were a fully integrated soul.  

In my head, I live in a world without absolutes.  A world where there is no real truth, where “truth” is just what resonates more succinctly with the feeling of being genuine and authentic; and I understand that what resonates with each individual is different and yet no less valid.  A place full of grey areas, a world without the safety net of moral convictions and to quote the great Ozzy Osbourne, “indisputable gods”.  

My Jesus is not your Jesus.  Your Yahweh is not my God.  Our interpretations of scripture, of faith and belief are different; they have to be, because *we* are different.  And so I walk the tightrope dividing the chasm of belief vs unbelief, the same mantra on my lips as was breathed by a grieving father centuries ago: “Lord, I believe!  Help my unbelief!” 

I am a conflicted soul.  I am a skeptic and a romantic all in one.  I have rarely known the comfort and security of unconditional love, and yet I believe in its value with all my heart.  I have seen magic and wonder with my own eyes and can never be convinced that these do not exist.  My world is one of art, of poetry, of chasing after beauty and that elusive nymph called Truth.  I will fight with my last breath for love and the right of the individual to be free to follow one’s own path.  

This conflicts with the actual world I live in – a world of facts and figures, a world of taxes, paycheques and mortgages.  A world of text messages, emails, and appointment books.  A world of black & white interpretations of scripture, of proscribed concepts of the Divine and of regimented worship.  A world of “shoulds” and “musts”.  A world of rat races, KPIs and deadlines.  Of social engagement, social politics, social rules, social media.  A world of white noise. 

Thus my need for solitude and isolation, my need to escape into a reality to which I feel more aligned, a world of infinite beauty and love.  Nature is and always has been my church. The swirl of leaves on a blustery autumn day is my cathedral.  The sounds lovers and friends make when they see each other after a long absence is my hymnal.  The warmth of a robust, frothy cappuccino in a mug is my sacrament. A book of poetry is my holy text.  The beauty of the pulse of life when it’s being lived to the fullest… This is my spirituality and my inspiration.  

This is why I say, “Blessed be.”  This is the peace I wish to everyone.  Love and be loved, celebrate life and let life celebrate you.  Look at reality from different angles, find joy and inspiration on this gorgeous day.  

blog: faith of our fathers…

For a bit of context, I was raised in a Baptist tradition, then attended a Pentecostal church and was in ministry there for a while. After falling out with that church I ended up going my own way for a few years, exploring other religions and faith practices.  I’ve been a member of a “cafe church” community, and most recently, a member of a Weslyan church community.

Having been exposed to so many denominations and practices, and the teachings of other religions and practices such as Buddhism and Neo-paganism, I have learned three important things:

1) No one person or group holds the monopoly on the whole and complete “truth”,

2) It’s important to take everything in and figure out what you believe for yourself, and

3) “Religion” and “spirituality” are all vastly different things.

That last one is important.  Many people claim to be atheists just because they couldn’t agree with or believe in the religion or church they were raised in, when churches and religions are just one form of expressing spiritual beliefs. Just because one didn’t fit, or you were hurt by a man-made religion, doesn’t mean there’s not a God or a spiritual path that’s right for you.

I have always held that ‘religion’ is WHAT you believe and ‘spirituality’ is HOW you express those beliefs. In a lot of ways, I am still trying to work out my dogma. I make mistakes, I’m not perfect and I can’t really lay claim to being any particular denomination at this stage, and may never be able to. However, the Seven Principles and Purposes of the Unitarian Universalist Association seem to fit best:

“We, the member congregations of the Unitarian Universalist Association, covenant to affirm and promote:

1. The inherent worth and dignity of every person;

2. Justice, equity and compassion in human relations;

3. Acceptance of one another and encouragement to spiritual growth in our congregations;

4. A free and responsible search for truth and meaning;

5. The right of conscience and the use of the democratic process within our congregations and in society at large;

6. The goal of world community with peace, liberty and justice for all;

7. Respect for the interdependent web of all existence of which we are a part.”

I firmly believe that if we all followed those principles, the world would be a better, more peaceful place for all it’s inhabitants.

Blessings to you, Shalom, Namaste, have a beautiful day. :)

blog: living prayerfully

I don’t think of God as a thing, as a commodity to be valued. The presence of God underlies every aspect of my life and there’s no way I could separate Him, draw Him out and pin him to the corkboard for examination or dissemination.  

But at times I am guilty of taking God for granted, treating Him like a vending machine (“Please help me get to work on time so I don’t have to explain to my boss how I missed the train again for the third time this week!!”). Sometimes I don’t even take time to recognize His presence in my life; I’m not big on formal prayer and often forget to say “hello”. But He always finds a way to give me a nudge or a gentle tap on the shoulder, reminding me that I’m not alone.

I went to a talk on Sunday given by a Benedictine nun. She was very cool, very funny and switched on and down to earth. The subject was “Why Pray?” and she managed to get right to the heart of subject; we could have easily ventured into airy-fairy theological territory, but she kept the talk grounded and real and made some excellent points. 

She said prayer doesn’t have a lot to do with us, but everything to do with God. Prayer comes from God, it’s an open line of communication from the Powers That Be to us; like broadband internet, our line to God is always there. waiting for us to go online. And when we pray, we are not initiating anything, merely responding to the call he puts out to our hearts. 

Another reason we pray is to know our own story. To face ourselves as God sees us and to accept ourselves as He does. And in discovering our story, we also see the face of God. God had only one story, and that story is Love. We need to know we are loved. Most of us crave love and yearn for acceptance more than we realize. God fills the holes we never knew were there. 

The final point the sister made was that when we are in a state of “prayerful” living, we’re more likely to recognize the blessings and good things that come our way. See, God doesn’t always send a lightning bolt down from the sky or even a dove – but God shows up nonetheless. He’s in the guy that gets up and offers you a seat on a crowded train. He’s in the sun that breaks through the clouds on a dreary day. But you won’t see him unless you think to look for Him. And you won’t think to look if you’re not including Him as a conscious part of your life.

I really don’t mean to be preachy. And when I talk about God, in my head I always follow the word “God” with “whoever or whatever you envision him or her to be” – it would just take ages to type all that out every single time. But “my” God is one who is there for me, walking beside me every step of the way. And prayer is communicating with and communing with the One who knows me better than anyone else. Whatever I do, I don’t want to close those channels… Guess I’ll practice living prayerfully and see what happens!!

blog: on the nature of God

God is neither male nor female but an all-encompassing creative force, and as such, must be true to all aspects of itself. Putting it simply, God is about keeping balance, and in balance you have the good with the bad and the dark with the light.

Karma is a nice concept, but God is not a Divine slot machine – do a good deed here, say a prayer there, and voila!  People often forget that. I heard a preacher once say, “God does not micro-manage,” and I think that’s true. I like to think that the universe was created and then we were dropped in here, like rats in a maze; whatever we do, whatever happens, there is only an arched Divine eyebrow and a cosmic response of “Hmm… Interesting.”

Coincidence and karma are concepts we made up to give our lives extra meaning, a little added flavour. Sure, it tastes good to believe we are all special and unique snowflakes, but is the desire for spiritual gratification on a personal level getting in the way of our true purpose? By that I mean, does the need to feel like we are being spiritually validated have some emotionally gratifying pay off that causes us to neglect seeking the true but perhaps less glamorous actual voice of God?

Maybe the point of “why are we here?” and “who is God anyway?” is not to reach some universally agreed upon point of enlightenment in which all spiritual truth is revealed. Maybe our true purpose is just to have faith in this well-oiled machine called life, trust our place in the grand scheme of things is as it should be, and then just go out looking for the damn cheese.

blog: down in a hole

The thing I miss most about being part of a church or spiritual group is the sense of being connected to something bigger than me.  Others might feel overwhelmed or threatened by the thought of being a cog in the wheel, but I find it comforting. In a way, being a small part of a bigger force gives my existence purpose and direction; it helps to define me spiritually and otherwise.

But lately I feel disconnected.  After reaching a milestone in my life I’ve started to reflect on the past, and I miss some of the things I used to enjoy.  I miss some of the friendships and relationships I used to have, it’s sad that it’s only now I appreciate their true worth. I find myself wanting to wind back the clock a few years, to try to gain back those moments of happiness and the sense of fulfilment I felt at a time when my life was very different.

I am also somewhat isolated now.  I’ve been betrayed by people I thought were friends. I’ve experienced rejection from spiritual mentors and groups from whom I expected support.  Friends and family members have shown me I am not exactly high on their list of priorities.  I feel I have nowhere to turn and withdraw more and more into my own skin every passing day.

Everything I’m going through emotionally is slowly wearing me down. I need to recharge, but without a support network, I feel cut off from the source.  To use an old phrase, I desperately need revival, but bitterness is holding me back. I’m afraid to trust again, to be part of a community that may eventually disappoint or reject me. It seems safer to remain aloof and independent, to rely completely on myself for everything.

And I think that’s an understandable reaction from someone who’s been hurt as much as I have, to withdraw from the world a bit.  That way if I have mistakes or disappointment, there’s only myself to blame. It’s a kind of cocoon, this need to be insular, which protects me while I heal.  The problem is the cocoon is starting to get a bit tight and it’s almost time to leave it behind, but I still feel like I haven’t healed.

So I need to work out where I’m going from here – how do I heal properly, so I can be a part of the bigger picture again?  How do I fix my issues so that when the time comes to rejoin the world at large, I am stable enough to do so?  That’s where I am at the moment, just feeling my way in the dark and trying to find a foothold, because I really don’t want to stay down in this hole forever.

blog: heart of worship

Lately I’ve been trying to organise my music collection – no small task since it’s scattered across my computer, my laptop, my iPhone, and my iPod, plus several boxes of CDs to rip!  But I have made some progress at least.

In the process I’ve found some Christian praise & worship songs I downloaded ages ago and I’ve been listening to them in the mornings on my way to work. I find the music really uplifting, and puts me in the right frame of mind to begin my day.  I even found myself praying this morning (something I haven’t done properly in I don’t even know how long) that I would have a productive day and be open to whatever challenges might come.

I was surprised to find that I still enjoy listening to these songs.  But even though I might not think of myself as being Christian in the strictest sense of the word, I still believe in God as a divine creative force out there looking after me and the rest of the universe.  I respect the teachings of Christ, and while I am unsure what I believe about Jesus, the concepts of sacrifice and redemption, of death, burial and rebirth – common themes in worship music – still make perfect sense.

Maybe one day I will find myself in a church again.  Maybe I have just been hurt so badly that I can’t do the “church thing” right now.  But maybe there is still a place for me in the structure somewhere.  For now though, I think it’s a good thing that I’m praying and pondering God again, and I feel like I need to stay open to that and see where that leads me.

blog: tabula rasa

The World is locked in a constant cycle of death and rebirth, of expiration and renewal.  It is deeply ingrained in our psyches, this concept of starting over, this desire for tabula rasa – a clean slate.  The first steps on a journey are the most important, as they set the course for things to come.  And what I long for most – what most people crave – is a journey back to a place in time and spirit where we felt the happiest, most empowered, most whole.

I’ve struggled with spiritual identity most of my life.  I’ve had exposure to many different branches of Christianity – Baptist, Catholic, Methodist, Uniting, Wesleyan, Pentecostal, and some I could never quite figure out.   I’ve been a bench warmer and I’ve been a leader. I’ve taught Bible studies and youth groups, preached sermons, and been part of the worship team.  And I was happy during that time. In many ways I still feel that ministry is my calling.

But I’ve also always been a radical thinker, prone to questioning, and being such often places me at odds with the concept of accepting spiritual truths at face value.  I prefer to live life in the grey areas; I could never countenance a good vs. evil, black & white spiritual existence.   Especially when I see the lack of consistency and integrity in a lot of Christian churches today.  I still think Christianity is a valid spiritual path for some, I just don’t believe it right for me anymore.

So I embarked on a quest for a faith practice that would nourish my spiritual self, that would allow me to grow and expand and reach out to others along the way. But so far I remain the lone wanderer, yet to find my spiritual feet.   I set out to be someone sure of herself and her beliefs, someone confident in her abilities.  Instead I find myself lost in obscurity and insecurity, feeling overwhelmed because I know what want and yet I am unsure how to get it.

I am at a crossroads, desperate for direction, clues or signposts for my journey.  Starting fresh from a clean slate can be a tempting concept, but I am not sure where the beginning is anymore.  The ‘beginning’ may even just be an illusion, maybe every beginning is really just a re-packaged ending.  Maybe all we really have to do is hold a few unchanging core concepts in front of us like a compass and stay true to them, and we will find our way eventually to a place of peace – the place where our soul belongs.

Kabir – selected poems

I love Kabir and early Eastern mystic poems and writing in general.  I came across some interpreted poems of his and wanted to share.  :)

Interpretations of Kabir poems

From “Love Poems From God” by Daniel Ladinsky

I Just Laugh

If I told you the truth about God
You might think I was an idiot

If I lied to you about the Beautiful One
You might parade me through the streets shouting,
“This guy is a genuis!”

This world has its pants on backwards.
Most carry their values and knowledge in a jug
That has a big hole in it.

Thus having a clear grasp of the situation
If I am asked anything these days
I just laugh.

What Kind of God?

What kind of God would He be
If He did not hear the bangles ring
On an ant’s wrist
As they move the earth
In their sweet dance?

And what kind of God would He be
If a leaf’s prayer was not as precious to Creation
As the prayer His own son sang
From the glorious depth of his soul – for us.

And what kind of God would He be
If the vote of millions in this world could sway Him
To change the Divine law of love
That speaks so clearly with compassion’s elegant tongue,
saying, eternally saying:

“All are forgiven – moreover, dears,
No one has ever been guilty.”

What kind of a God would He be
If He did not count the blinks of your eyes
And is in absolute awe of their movements?

What a God – what a God we have.

Soon We May Be Kissing

There is dew on these poems in the morning,
And at night a cool breeze may rise from them.
In the winter they are blankets, in the summer a place to swim
I like talking to you like this.
Have you moved a step closer?
Soon we may be kissing.

How Humble is God?

How humble is God?

God is the tree in the forest that
Allows itself to die and will not defend itself in front of those
With the axe, not wanting to cause them shame.

And God is the earth that will allow itself to
Be deformed by man’s tools, but He cries; yes, God cries,
But only in front of His closest ones.

And a beautiful animal is being beaten to death,
But nothing can make God break His silence
To the masses and say:
“Stop, please stop, why are you doing this to Me?”

How humble is God?
Kabir wept when I knew.

The Past’s Lips are not Deceased

Why not look at the beauty your memory holds,
So nourishing that light can be.
The past’s lips are not deceased.
Let them comfort you if they can.

It Stops Working

Look –

What happens to the scale
When love holds it;

It stops working.