love & relationships

blog: let’s talk about pumpkin baby

Let’s talk about pumpkin for a minute. Well, not pumpkin, but you’ll get the point. Hopefully. 

I’m ambivalent about pumpkin. I wouldn’t go so far as to say that I dislike it, but I’m never going to have it in my fridge without good reason. But I’ve had partners who love the stuff, so I’ve learned a few ways to cook it. I make a killer maple-glazed roast pumpkin, for instance, which tastes even better turned into a soup.

While I get a bit of enjoyment from eating pumpkin when I’ve prepared it in certain ways, I’m mostly just happy to see the people I’m cooking for feeling satisfied because of my food. Sometimes I just make it because it’s been a while and I have someone asking me to make my pumpkin soup again.

But every now and then I’ll actually get a craving for pumpkin out of the blue. Sometimes if I see pumpkin and feta risotto on a restaurant menu or spot a pumpkin scone at a café, I’ll think, “Ah yeah, I could really go for one of those!” So occasionally I indulge, and then I’m good for ages. 

And if you don’t understand anything of this, you haven’t been paying attention. 😁

blog: could you be loved

I know how to love with every fibre of my being. I know how to nurture and build. I know how to be loyal. I know how to be the one that hustles to keep the ship afloat. I know how to forgive indiscretions big and small. I know how to hang on with tenacity until what I’ve manifested for the relationship comes true, or it all goes up in flames. There are no half measures with me.

But it’s not about that. It’s about wanting it to be my turn for once. It’s about wanting to experience something real and meaningful again before I shuffle off this mortal coil.

I want to be loved fiercely. I want to take someone’s breath away. I want someone to think I’m so amazing that they wonder how they got so lucky. I don’t want or need perfection, I just need commitment. I need to feel like someone out there thinks I’m worth taking a risk for. I need to know I matter. That I’m seen.

But even as I envision the way I want someone to feel for me, I know I’m not worthy of it… maybe at one stage I was, but now I’m just old and broken with nothing of value to exchange for being made the central object of another person’s desire. And so I just give up, content to sink back in a numbness that only serves to make me more numb, more disconnected from this weary, fucked up life.

…

You create these fantasies in your head that you are worthy of love
That someone somewhere could look at you, really see
And right away say, “Yes there! That one’s The One!”

You capture every look, every gesture, every humankindness shown
And pin it like butterflies with its ephemeral wings under glass
You think these will keep you warm when the bitter winds of loneliness moan.

blog: i miss kissing

I miss kissing. To be fair, I was never a huge fan of snogging for hours on end. But it’s been years since I’ve had someone to kiss who also wanted to kiss me.

I miss kisses hello and goodbye, daily kisses with lips that press passionately against mine. I miss the feeling of gently pulling someone’s tongue, warm and wet, into my mouth. I miss that feeling of deep connection when two fully clothed bodies press against each other, exploring the nudity of teeth and soft faces and the heated crevasses of necks instead.

In so many ways, I’ve been made to feel lacking, less than, not good enough. I’m no longer waiting for my prince to show up. I no longer feel adequate or worthy enough to even throw my hat into anyone’s ring. The trauma I’ve endured this year has finally broken me. But… I still yearn for intimacy, even while believing that I don’t deserve it.

I guess this line of thinking started because I was thinking it will be New Years Eve soon, and while I do have plans to attend a party, I assume this will be yet another NYE without a kiss at midnight. Silly, I know. But if I could get a holiday wish this year, it would be for someone to kiss as the clock takes us from one year to the next, to share that moment of time-outside-of-time, to feel human again for a split second so that maybe I can carry some of that magic with me into the new year.

Yes, I’m superstitious… just shut up and kiss me! 💋🥂

blog: no heart = no hurt

My entire life has been a series of me drawing boundaries with people, and having them go, “Yeah, nah I’m good thanks,” before walking away. It’s been a long history of showing people who I am and making myself vulnerable to them and then being sidelined or rejected.  I’ve had people tell me how great and wonderful and amazing I am, but there’s never been anyone who has fought to keep me in their lives, unless it was for their own selfish reasons. 

I am not a fucking Nutrimetics party. You don’t get to come to the presentation, play with all the products and talk about how great and wonderful they are and how yes, you can certainly see the benefits; then when the time comes to put your money where your mouth is, you make some excuse about why you can’t afford it right now, or you buy the cheapest thing in the catalogue to be polite. 

I get it.  Some people aren’t into what I have to offer. They can appreciate the value but it’s not for them.  That’s fine.  But when every single person I’ve ever tried to have a real connection with – including the person who willingly married me – says “thanks, but no thanks”… It gets a bit much. 

But I keep doing the right thing. I keep doing the gracious thing.  I keep thanking people for their time and their consideration, like it’s a fucking job interview.  I keep breaking off pieces of my heart, like it’s a demonstration product.  “Here, have a sample of me, have a sample of what my love could be like…” until finally I will have no heart left.

That, my friends, will be a wonderful day. No heart = no hurt. And when you’ve been hurt as much as me, when you’ve sustained so many emotional scars that there’s no room for one more, achieving a state of numbness feels like entering Valhalla. 

poem: loss (我不想再爱你了)

Only through 
Ghostly echoes
Of old posts and emails
Can I point to any given
Moment and say:
This…
This was the beginning 
Of our end;

Only now that the smoke
Of my affection
Has cleared
Can I see the place
Where my last,
Desperate attempt
To keep loving you
Died.

When I was in it,
I thought I’d hang on
Until The End of the World;
But I guess
The apocalypse
Came and went 
While I was looking
The other way. 

Now I’m adrift with
Memories sudden
And unbidden:
Your smile, your laugh 
Your gesticulation –
Scattered ashes;
A corpse is required for a resurrection 
You didn’t even leave me a grave
To mourn beside.

poem: parásitos

– TW: domestic violence

It starts with subtlety.

With questions like – “Why do you bother?”
and – “Why don’t you find something you’re actually good at?”
Or – “Leave it; I’m better at this kind of stuff anyway.”

And because I love you, I stay.

It continues with small, unsupportive acts,
designed to make stressful situations even more stressful.

It continues with subtle but insidious social isolation,
until you are my entire world.

It continues with holding me to one standard and yourself to another,
while somehow convincing my rational brain that that’s okay.

And because I love you, I don’t say anything.

Because I love you, my will becomes smaller and smaller
until there’s very little individuality left;
I have no more needs except the need to meet yours.

Because I love you, I buy into the lie
that this is the fairy tale I’ve been waiting for,
and that any cracks that appear are my job to fix.

My panic attacks, the chest pains, the hysteria and the sleepless nights,
they all go away when we’re happy…
(and we are happy, some of the time…
that makes all the bad stuff worth it, right?)

We spiral down, each rock bottom giving way to the next…

It ends with me ceasing to exist.

poem: zing

My mouth tastes like cigarettes
So does yours, and it’s great;
Your moustache tickles my face,
And when you ask if I’m your girl
I blush, cos it tickles my feelings.
I like the way your fingers move
Against my belly when you’re in
A playful mood, and I like
That wicked look in your eyes –
The one that turns my legs to jelly,
The one that says:
Come here,
I wanna do bad things with you…

I know every expression you own
Studied them like textbooks
Hoping they would lead
Like roadmaps to your soul.
I know some of your nuance
Your light and your shade
But it still doesn’t bring me
Any closer.

You say, we’re friends and lovers
But I don’t know if you’re my friend
You’re more like the Joker
And I’m Harley Quinn
We met each other at opposite ends
Of the spectrum…
I was looking for love
I was ready to fall again
And you –
You were looking for a distraction
A port to sink your anchor in.

I knew from the start
Your heart was not a prize easily won,
And if I messed up, fell in love,
The chances were slim to none
Of you reciprocating.
You’ve got your guards up,
And your walls, the only
Parts open still raw,
And still belong to the one
Responsible for your breaking.

But…

My Netflix queue is full of shows
We watch under blankets
Tangled together,
You give me whole-body laughs
When we’re in the kitchen making dinner.
You call me baby and beautiful
And ask how my day’s been;
The line between friend
And lover get blurred
And we refuse to admit it.

And when you sleep in my bed –
Not once, or twice, but
Three nights this week –
I can’t help but wonder
Where this is leading.
I’m fine with the slow train
If we eventually get there
I just can’t afford to invest in a lie…
Not again, not this time.

But my selfish heart makes me wait,
Unable to decide
If I should ask you to go…
Watching this bubble of heartbreak grow
Ready to burst at any moment.
And there’s a masochist in me
That lives for tortured romance
I’m not even sure I’d be able to love
Without tragedy…

I want to let you stay
Let you touch and tease
Let you play those games
You don’t even know you’re playing;
It’s not entirely your fault
That loving you
Is like licking a battery.

poem: trying not to fall in love (and failing)

Trying not to fall in love with you
Is like having a pineapple allergy
And drinking pina coladas anyway;
Because the absence of 
Your smell on my skin
And your taste on my tongue
Hurts so much more. 
Pretending you love me back 
Is a dangerous game
I know I shouldn’t play – but I do,
A little more each day,
Even though playing it means 
You’ve already won. 

I’m trying to stay convinced
That goodbye kisses are not part of the deal,
That your hand isn’t mine to hold.
But how can I resist
Your strong arms wrapped around me tight 
Like salvation on a stormy sea…
And in the depths of your 
Unfathomable eyes
I can read the fine print of my soul.  
One kiss and I am drawn
Like a bee to your honey.
One touch and I surrender 
All of my defenses.  
I could stay lost forever
In the space between words
With you. 

You are my lover and my friend; 
The universe has brought you to me
As a gift – and I’m afraid
That if I forget myself, 
If the words drop from my lips, 
You’ll cease to exist;
This newfound bliss I’m
Warming my toes against
Will disappear and I’ll be left
Craving something I was never 
Equipped to claim as my own. 

So I commit myself to carpe diem, 
Living one sweet moment
To the next, never making plans,
Just taking life as it comes to us. 
And this is happiness for me
Just chilling out with you watching tv
Sitting on the front porch talking shit
And watching the world go by. 
This is my happy place, but I’m
Trying not to hold on too tight, 
And I apologize if I
Step over the line sometimes; 
I’m just mesmerized by your 
Sexy face, and all that you are. 

And if all we have is this, 
This is enough for me; 
I’m learning to trust again
And how to open up. 
I’ll show you everything – 
Anything you want to see; 
I’ll kiss your mouth and call you friend, 
I’ll let you into the deepest places in my head
If you are not afraid, then take my hand 
And let’s go on an adventure.

poem: gold/dust

A gold ring with a single diamond 
Sits on a shelf collecting dust
And I’m trying not to let this affect my trust issues, but to me
Love
Is not something to be taken lightly –
Love
Is something to be treasured, nourished, protected –
Love
Is sometimes enough.  

And maybe it wouldn’t have gone so hard on me 
If I hadn’t sunk myself so deeply into this,
If I’d learned to recognize the warning signs 
And walked away in time 
Before my life was you, and you – 
You were somebody else. 

But you see – 
I’ve always been most comfortable
In the company of my own making
It’s not that I’m antisocial – people fascinate me
But I find being around them draining,
Maintaining this smile isn’t as easy 
As you might think
Sitting around waiting for gaps in the 
Conversation, so I could speak, 
And the white noise of my past relationships
Has always drowned out my identity
And swallowed my aloneness.   

And then I found – You. 
Someone I never got tired of being around
Someone who just got me
With you, I could be quiet.
With you, I could be the truest version of myself. 

Until one day, I noticed – you stopped getting me
You didn’t really see me
So I learned to shout. 
And then I thought – it’s because 
I was SHOUTING 
So I learned to -whisper-   
I learned to exist 
In the hairline fractures
Of our turbulent silence. 

I promised to love, cherish and respect 
Until death do us part 
And my vow
Was the glue that held us together 
My vow
Kept me taking you back and forgiving you time and again
For these shitty awful situations you put me in
My vow
Was the glue that held ME together.

Then it ended, 
Not with a whimper but a bang
And it was me who pulled the trigger
It was me who stood there
with the smoking gun in my hand
I tried to take it back
and tell you I didn’t mean it
but we both knew that I did –
And the words wouldn’t leave my mouth…

They wouldn’t leave my mouth.

blog: finding happy

There is a world of difference between “Being with you makes me happy” and “You make me happy”. One is a state of mind, the other is a state of heart. And always, always will I choose the second option.

Because to be happy in a relationship is to be comfortable inside a position, a place, a state of being… it is the familiarity of the circumstances that make you content. Circumstances that can be replicated in another time and another place, with another human. Familiarity that sometimes lulls you in with its repetitious charms and masks the ‘not-quite-right’.

But to be with someone who makes you genuinely, deliriously happy just by being who they are… Someone whose strength of love and character carries you despite all the noise life may toss your way… Someone so trustworthy that you throw caution to the wind and launch into the unknown without any fear or second-guessing… there is no substitute for that.

To find a comfortable place to rest is at best refreshing for a time. To find the one person who gives you such enormous wings you need the whole world just to unfurl them –

That, simply put, is ecstasy for the soul.

blog: on tangos

When I promise forever, I mean it.  when I commit, I commit.  And because I am committed, I will address any threat to the health of the relationship as soon as possible.  I will try to find solutions to any problems that arise.  I am willing to refine, change and adapt myself (within the parameters of my ethics and standards of course) as the situation dictates. And I will maintain an unshakeable faith that things will be ok and that we can do this. 

Hopefully there are many, many people who feel the same passion and conviction towards their own relationships.  But for a relationship to be workable and stable enough to overcome obstacles thrown at it, it requires the same buy-in, the same level of commitment and faith from the other person in the equation. 

And if they choose not to provide that, if they lose faith and walk away, that’s a choice they make hopefully with their best interests in mind. It doesn’t mean that they don’t value you or the relationship and all the history you share; it just means they didn’t value it enough to justify remaining in the relationship.  It just means that they have chosen to value other things more highly.

It’s instinct to blame and be angry, or to analyse “what went wrong”, when we go into things with expectation and optimism and come out the other side disappointed and diminished.  You feel a loss more keenly when it happens against your will.  And all too often we rush to fill the void with something new or different because the gaping hole of the broken relationship reminds us that we have bared and shared our soul only to have been rejected.  Or we try to hang on, dragging ourselves and our former partners into a drawn out and tortuous limbo. 

Nothing will ever come from trying to breathe life into a corpse. Take a few moments to assess what happened, but don’t obsess. Give yourself honest feedback on what worked and what didn’t (and actually apply that to your future relationships, or you will repeat the same patterns). Take time to reimagine your context and your possibilities.  Be kind to yourself, but don’t over-indulge.  Acknowledge that it hurts, but assure yourself that the hurt will not last forever.  And if anyone tells you there are plenty of fish in the sea, smile and thank them for the environmental report, but re-learn how to “do you” before you go out and cast any nets. 

I’m working through this myself right now, and I don’t have any answers.  But I do know that it will be ok.  :)

blog: going through changes

I’d been meaning to change my phone passcode for a while, and last week finally got around to it. I picked an easy code, but for a whole week I’ve been typing in my old one without thinking and it’s not until my phone buzzes at me that I realise that’s not my code anymore.

And every time I type the wrong passcode it slams home that NOTHING in my life is what it used to be, and will never be that way again. And while there was a lot of stuff in my life that needed to change, I’ve also lost a lot of reasons to wake up in the morning. I’ve lost my hopes and dreams for the future, and now I have to get new ones, but I don’t want to and I don’t know how.

At the moment I’m just trying to put one foot in front of the other. I’m not the first person whose marriage failed and I won’t be the last. But it really hurts to breathe right now. I wake up in my new room and wonder why my walls are purple instead of white. I wonder where the cats are and why they aren’t beside me. I feel like if I walk out of the room I’ll see my ex partner sitting on the couch or in the kitchen cooking. I often wake up thinking I should check what he wants to do that day or what he wants for dinner.

It’s like for a second my brain rejects my reality because it doesn’t seem like it should be real. For a second I’m all confused, I don’t understand how I got here, and life without him in it just seems wrong. I’m sure in time I will make this all make sense, but right now the dissonance is killing me.