human connection

poem: no exceptions

– Spoken word piece performed at Black Stump 2011

I’m talking about the people who fall thru the cracks
People no one will help cos they got nothing to give back
People we live with,  work with, people we see every day,
And yet – no one lifts a finger to help because
“I’m just one person” or “It’s not my place”.

They’re out there struggling with next to no education,
Dealing with disabilities, or lacking qualifications
Getting shunted around between different organisations
Not getting the help they need cos they don’t meet the specifications
Not always looking for a handout – just a leg up,
A word of validation

Discrimination is criminal but also subliminal –
Imbedded too deeply in our reptilian brain
We toss aside the opportunity to champion equality
And fight instead for the right to have our comfort zone maintained

And for every person begging on the streets
There are 100 people going home at the end of the day
To put their feet up on furniture they haven’t even paid for yet
This nation’s got credit card debt coming out of its ears
And while we’re busy living beyond our means
Going to extremes chasing our expensive dreams
I wonder if any of us bother to stop – and reflect,
On whether we need what it is we set out to get?

It’s like an addiction, each acquisition
Gaining us new recognition in the eyes of our peers
We’re so dedicated to this self-medicated, over-stimulated,
Sexually emancipated world we created,
Where we can upgrade our homes, our cars, our jobs,
Even our spouses along with our fast food meals
Our products get replaced before the shrink wrap’s removed
We opt for genetically modified foods, synthetic experiences and fake boobs
But shy away from the “real deal”.

We live in time where bigger is better and “want” equals “need”
And we want everything “here” and “now”, immediately!
And in the face of humanity’s greed the seeds of kindness, selflessness
Start to depreciate.
But if we could figure out a way to integrate, to see ourselves
As being part of a whole, not as a stand-alone equation
Maybe more of us would make the transition, re-organise our priorities and ambitions
Make a bit of a difference to the system before it’s too late.

Are you the kind of person who can recognise a human need
And go out of your way to meet it?
Or are you the kind of person who goes around with your eyes downcast –
Ignoring people with problems and misfortunes
So that you can continue your own blissful existence unimpeded?

I’m not a revolutionary
And I’m not a politician
Just a person who believes all life is connected –
And all people were created equal –

No exceptions.

blog: we are gonna be friends

One day when I was 10 years old, I walked over to a new girl I had just met, offered her a jelly bean, and asked if she wanted to be friends. She took the jelly bean on offer and said yes. It turned out she lived on the same street as me and for three years we were inseparable best friends. Now that I’m on the other side of 30, I’m left pondering the question – when did making friends with other people get so hard to do?

It’s easy to make friends and stay close to people when you see them every day and share bonding adolescent experiences with them. (Having not gone to public school, I can only conjur up images of cliched coming-of-age movies, but I assume those have some basis in truth.) If you’re lucky, you’ll carry your schoolmates into your 20’s – and if you’re really lucky, you’ll take them with you even further.

But once you leave school/uni and get out into the real world, you find it a different game altogether; and if you don’t keep your old connections, you’re socially screwed. Start a new job, take up a new hobby, have a sea change or move to a new town and you’ll find an established social circle which may or may not have room for you. They don’t particularly mind you joining them, but it’s quite clear that you’re the “new guy”, the outsider, at best that kinda cool person they haven’t quite yet made their minds up about.

And for some reason society puts a taboo on loneliness and turns it into something to be ashamed of, to be scared of, to be hidden under the carpet. People associate loneliness with desperation and deeply distrust both. So in order to make new friends, you have to play it cool, you have to act like you don’t need new friends. Because “Hey, I think you’re cool and I’d really like it if we could be friends,” just doesn’t exist in the adult vocabulary. The catch is that if you’re too good at playing it cool, you only end up convincing people you don’t need their friendship. And that gets you nowhere.

So you try to find the balance, but you try way too hard. You wrangle invites to things, you stand on edges of conversations pretending you’re included, itching for a chance to jump in with something relevant and contribute. You do the washing up at every damn party, you volunteer for the jobs nobody else wants and somehow it’s always your shout for coffees or beers. You go out of your way to be nice, to seek out an unfilled niche in the group, settle into it and make yourself indispensable.

And if you manage to find someone who might actually be a potential BFF, you get excited. You bombard a them with emails, texts, invitations and Facebook friendship requests. Congratulations, now you’re known as “intense” at best, “desperate” at worst (and the word “stalker-ish” also springs to mind. They now think you’re weird and will slowly back away while you’re talking to them,

Maybe this is just how it is for me. Maybe all the home-schooling fried all my social circuits into oblivion, and I’m doomed to be hot mess of awkward behavior. But I know one thing for sure: I would give anything for the days when you could just walk up to someone, offer them a jelly bean, and ask them to be your friend. Failing that, can someone please produce a line of “let’s be friends!” greeting cards (perhaps with an awkward turtle motif)?

blog: down in a hole

The thing I miss most about being part of a church or spiritual group is the sense of being connected to something bigger than me.  Others might feel overwhelmed or threatened by the thought of being a cog in the wheel, but I find it comforting. In a way, being a small part of a bigger force gives my existence purpose and direction; it helps to define me spiritually and otherwise.

But lately I feel disconnected.  After reaching a milestone in my life I’ve started to reflect on the past, and I miss some of the things I used to enjoy.  I miss some of the friendships and relationships I used to have, it’s sad that it’s only now I appreciate their true worth. I find myself wanting to wind back the clock a few years, to try to gain back those moments of happiness and the sense of fulfilment I felt at a time when my life was very different.

I am also somewhat isolated now.  I’ve been betrayed by people I thought were friends. I’ve experienced rejection from spiritual mentors and groups from whom I expected support.  Friends and family members have shown me I am not exactly high on their list of priorities.  I feel I have nowhere to turn and withdraw more and more into my own skin every passing day.

Everything I’m going through emotionally is slowly wearing me down. I need to recharge, but without a support network, I feel cut off from the source.  To use an old phrase, I desperately need revival, but bitterness is holding me back. I’m afraid to trust again, to be part of a community that may eventually disappoint or reject me. It seems safer to remain aloof and independent, to rely completely on myself for everything.

And I think that’s an understandable reaction from someone who’s been hurt as much as I have, to withdraw from the world a bit.  That way if I have mistakes or disappointment, there’s only myself to blame. It’s a kind of cocoon, this need to be insular, which protects me while I heal.  The problem is the cocoon is starting to get a bit tight and it’s almost time to leave it behind, but I still feel like I haven’t healed.

So I need to work out where I’m going from here – how do I heal properly, so I can be a part of the bigger picture again?  How do I fix my issues so that when the time comes to rejoin the world at large, I am stable enough to do so?  That’s where I am at the moment, just feeling my way in the dark and trying to find a foothold, because I really don’t want to stay down in this hole forever.