poem: in space

Ours is a tango
A back and forth frisson
Of two magnetic energies
Who yearn for connection
But haven’t yet learned How to meet

Solitary creatures of habit
Tentatively touching antennae
We send out tendrils of exploration
Like snail stalks curiously brimming
Tasting the change in our atmospheres

We move in orbital paths
Circling slow, instinctively
Testing for friend or foe
A dance of stops and starts
I move closer … You pull away
You come near … This time I retreat
The pattern of our feet
Beating the manifesto rhythm
Of our scarred hearts

We keep the faith
But can we Keep it together
Or would that rock our courses
From their place
Among the stars?

You shine…
I am a mere reflection
But a moment in your grace
Can light the dark inside of me
For this space
Of borrowed time,
This pause
In my
Nocturnal
Arc.

poem: 47 Christs

A chance meeting
A peripheral vision becomes
Connection
Souls’ windows open
Allowing both of us a glimpse inside
Vulnerable you see me
I feel your spirit as well
Like recognising like
As two cosmic beings dwelling
In earthly shells
We breathe the same air
I breathe you in
Notice the texture and the markings
On your skin
A testament
Of places and people you’ve been
I entrust my essence to your
Capable craftsman’s hands
We give
Our tokens to each other
A mix of art and magick and grace
Your face revealed
I love your smile
The easy way you draw me near
And the way our friendship grows
Like tangled roses on a vine
Wildly free
Journeying together.

blog: let’s talk about pumpkin baby

Let’s talk about pumpkin for a minute. Well, not pumpkin, but you’ll get the point. Hopefully.

I’m ambivalent about pumpkin. I wouldn’t go so far as to say that I dislike it, but I’m never going to have it in my fridge without good reason. But I’ve had partners who love the stuff, so I’ve learned a few ways to cook it. I make a killer maple-glazed roast pumpkin, for instance, which tastes even better turned into a soup.

While I get a bit of enjoyment from eating pumpkin when I’ve prepared it in certain ways, I’m mostly just happy to see the people I’m cooking for feeling satisfied because of my food. Sometimes I just make it because it’s been a while and I have someone asking me to make my pumpkin soup again.

But every now and then I’ll actually get a craving for pumpkin out of the blue. Sometimes if I see pumpkin and feta risotto on a restaurant menu or spot a pumpkin scone at a café, I’ll think, “Ah yeah, I could really go for one of those!” So occasionally I indulge, and then I’m good for ages.

And if you don’t understand anything of this, you haven’t been paying attention. 😁

blog: the last

There’s always a last time for everything we do. The last time you ate at that restaurant, the last time you took part in a hobby, the last time you spoke to so-and-so.

Sometimes we know our “lasts”. Our last day at work. The last day of a holiday. The last time we will see a dying relative this side of the veil.

But often it’s only much later when you’re reflecting that you realize you never did go back to that Greek restaurant before it closed, or see that friend before they moved away. You stopped going to a particular club because you wanted a change of scene, then the scene changed while you weren’t looking and you got lost along the way.

Of course we can’t live our moments as if they are our last. We can’t force ourselves to live at a manic FOMO pace. But sometimes I argue with someone special and I think, “What if those are my last words to them?” Or I share an intimate night with someone and wonder if that will be the last time we would be so close.

Some regrets are for the things we do. Others are for the things we didn’t. Nothing seems to sting more than the regret of a squandered opportunity. There’s no ‘undo’ button for life. There’s no way to save and re-load an earlier checkpoint.

Trying to recreate a past happiness never works, even if you come close, it will still be its own thing. So the only solution is to come to terms with loss and learn to deal with endings that don’t come with closure.

There is a way to move forward though. Learn to live in the moment, be mindful and appreciative of what you have. Live with gratitude as a constant companion. Take nothing for granted. And say ‘I love you’ as often as you can.

blog: just smile and say thank you

I was talking to a friend yesterday about how a lot of people have to learn how to take a compliment graciously. For example, someone says “That’s a lovely dress!” Me a few years ago: “Oh, this old thing? I got it at Kmart on the clearance rack!” Me today: “Why, thank you!” But it took me a while!!

It’s really not hard, but I guess a lot of us struggle because compliments force us to admit we secretly think we look cute too, or did well in a challenge, or cooked a really great meal, etc. A lot of us grow up being told not to “put tickets on ourselves” (for non-Australians that’s “think too highly of yourself”!).

And we have “tall poppy syndrome” here in Australia, where anyone who tries to stand out above the crowd becomes a target for being taken down a peg or two. Which makes today’s rhetoric of “love yourself” and the body positive movement, etc. so hard to embrace for some people.

But if we were to embrace our own awesomeness, it wouldn’t be hard to say “Thank you” when we are paid a compliment. Instead of deflecting the compliment we are paid, I’m sure some people give false compliments just to be ‘nice’ or to be manipulative but I’d wager that most compliments are genuine and people who give them just want to contribute to making your day a little brighter. By deflecting their compliment, you are devaluing their opinion and their contribution to your life.

So practice just saying “Thank you” when people say nice things about you! It’s hard at first but it’s not impossible, and when you do there are smiles all round.

Oh, and by the way – you look nice today!

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blog: create your own interpretation

Three things are true:

1. Everyone has a story
2. Your story is important
3. YOU ARE NOT YOUR STORY

We tell ourselves stories all the time. We give meanings to things, it’s kinda what humans do. We hear what people say, we see what they do or don’t do, and we add our own meaning on top. It’s natural to apply personal experience to things, to want to deepen our understanding of them. But too often we stop there, we take our assumptions as gospel.

Assumptions make asses out of umptions, which is bad enough. But when we internalise ‘meanings’ as truths, when we allow these perceptions to become part of our “story”, we cross into dangerous terrain.

Interpreting stuff that happens in a way that is negative and harmful to our self-identity and self-esteem can damage and alter our view of who we are so effectively and insidiously it can take years to come to the surface. And yet these damaging hidden ‘truths’ we embrace about who we are have a very real affect on our actions and choices along the way.

“I’m worthless.”
“I’m ugly.”
“I’m fat.”
“I’m trouble.”
“I’m no good at anything.”
“I tore my family apart.”
“People will always let me down.”
“I have to look out for myself.”
“I can’t trust anyone.”
“I can’t be trusted.”
“I’m a bad person.”
“I’ll only hurt others and let them down.”
“I deserve to be hurt.”
“Nobody gets me.”
“I have no one.”

Seriously, who wants to go through life with a story like that?

Things happen. How you interpret them is going to become part of your story, that’s inevitable. But you are in charge of what you make it mean. Don’t stop at assumption. Don’t short-change yourself. Look at your identity, the stories you tell yourself about who you are, where do they come from?

Our identity is often comprised of a series of coping mechanisms and defences we created to deal with the challenges in life and our limited understanding of them. You don’t need to lock yourself into an identity that was created to address life situations you may no longer inhabit.

Take any of the above statements and picture a friend saying them – how would you react? Would you tell them they were being ridiculous? Would you rush to reassure them that those things are simply not true? Would you help them find ways of turning their thinking around?

Good. Now go look in a mirror, and do the same thing.

“I’m worth everything.”
“I’m beautiful.”
“I’m happy in my skin.”
“I’m someone worth knowing.”
“I’m good at anything I put my mind to.”
“I value and respect my family relationships.”
“People want to be there for me.”
“I can learn to let people in.”
“I have faith in people.”
“I am trustworthy and reliable.”
“I am a good person.”
“I am committed to having positive relationships with others.”
“I deserve to reach my potential.”
“I have many unique qualities to offer people.”
“I have a strong and supportive network.”

Life’s too short to build your identity based on negativity and pain. Embrace change, embrace love, embrace a more authentic and connected life

blog: serendipity is a scam

Every ‘beginning’ is a re-branded ending. But if that sounds depressing, the counterpart is also true – every ending is a re-branded beginning. The more you realise this, the more you see that there is no finiteness to the universe, everything is fluid. Everything old is new again.

People often think things like, “If I hadn’t spoken to the stranger on the bus that day, this particular chain of events would never have happened, and I wouldn’t be getting married/ getting a promotion/ writing this book right now. It was meant to be!” Or they apply the same worry to the future, that if we’re not in the right place at the right time, we’ll miss an appointment with destiny. But Serendipity is merely a nice idea.

Story time! Over a decade ago I was coming home from cooking class via the train, and I had a bag full of fresh baked apple pies. The train being crowded, I was standing in the foyer with a bunch of other people, and an alternative-looking guy about my age decided to sit down on the floor. Fearing for the safety of my freshly baked goods, I cried, “Don’t sit on my pies!” He apologised, then said, “You’ve got an accent!” and by the time we had arrived at our destination we were firm friends.

If life were a Hollywood movie, I’d be telling you the story of how I met my husband. But that man has been happily married to another woman for six years now and both of them are very dear friends. True, you could say that a chance encounter led to a friendship that has spanned over a decade now, but it could also have been true that it led to the worst heartbreak of my life, or even nowhere at all.

I guess the point I’m trying to make is that we make our own fate. I do believe some things are meant to come into our lives in some way, but I don’t believe our destinies are set in stone (unless you’re Ta’veren, but that is a whole other blog). The universe gives us the raw ingredients, if you will, but there are many different combinations we can make from those circumstances and happenings.

The concept of time as linear is false. You cannot stray from the path if there is no path to stray from. When you see this, you’ll either feel lost and frightened by s lack of definitive purpose, or you’ll feel liberated and stop beating yourself up about missed opportunities and failed five year plans.

Seeing life events as devoid of the “meaning” we tend to ascribe to them doesn’t have to be depressing and nihilistic. It can be an exciting blank canvas, an empty stage on which to play and create anything we want.

poem: hush-a-bye

There’s things I want to tell you, but my throat refuses to put out.
My Southern mama taught me too well, honey chile, how to hush my mouth.

So I bite on the gag, suffocate by the way of inertia
Auto-asphyxiate with every word I say,
To feed your need for minutia
Every lie that I tell to hide the tell-tale gaps between
“Hi” and “how are ya?”

My spirit caged like a beast whose claws and teeth can’t be trusted;
Stuffed into a paper mâché shell and made to behave as instructed.
Mustn’t make waves, or put my rage on display –
It’s not the done thing
To air one’s laundry in public.

And I’m a hypocrite, I know, but I’m sick of trying to live –
As one more cog in the machine, one more chain, one more link!
And oh what ignorant bliss, what sweet release it seems!
To close my eyes to infinite dreams and be pulled under –
I envy Rip Van Winkle his twenty years of slumber.

Cos I’m tired – oh, so tired of this deafening silence!
Of the polite noises we make to avoid any violence.
I want to get in the ring, you and me –
Toe to toe and glove-free,
Bare-knuckle love and expression;
No holding back –
Right-hook jazz!
Uppercut poetry explosion…
Exploring the spectrum of human emotion.

I want you to see me for me,
Like, really notice I’m here,
Bursting out of my bands!
Nearly tipping over my chair!

Instead, we share jokes and links and recipes for pot roast.
I ask how your job’s going and like all your Facebook posts.
We make plans for a catch up we both know won’t happen;
I do miss your face, but you’re under-equipped
For the demons I’m battling.

So I pretend to be busy, and you pretend not to notice;
You like all my profile pics and ask how my job’s going…
And then you ask it – THE question – you ask how I am,
For a second, I almost cave, almost grab at the chance
To spring like a captive from restraint, initiate self destruct!
And run as far as truth can, when its moment has come…

But then…
I trip my own tongue,
My shutters fall into place,
The words dry up in my throat, an aborted disgrace.
And I simply smile and offer up the well-oiled phrase:

“Yeah –
I’m great, thanks.”

Henry Rollins: Sandwich Guy

I love this so much. Henry Rollins relating an experience he had in judging by appearance and reminding us that everyone has a story. Apologies for the language but this is such a great story and told so well. Henry, you are a master at what you do!

Incidentally I think this was recorded at his Sydney show I went to a few years back – 3 hours long, no intermission, just him talking, telling stories and sharing his worldview with us. He made the hours feel like minutes, and I’m pretty sure the majority of us would have stayed to listen to him for 3 hours more if he’d let us. :)

blog: but for the grace of God

My South African friend taught me a word – “omgewings gestremdheid”. Don’t ask me to pronounce it! Translated, it means “environmentally impaired” and means someone who is not just disadvantaged or constrained by their environment, but who is impaired to the point of having little to no hope of breaking free of that environment.

My Afrikaans lesson came about because there is a community on my doorstep you could say is bad even by Western Sydney standards. Housing commission, drug deals, burnt out cars up on blocks, shootings and stabbings, domestic violence and dole cheques, it’s got the lot. But it’s also a community with a big heart, and there are a lot of people with equally big hearts working from within the community to bring about real transformation.

Earlier this year, four boys aged 13 to 16 went to Tasmania for a 10 day wilderness trek up Mt Ossa, and their journey was captured by a 16-year-old film-maker. Tonight there was a screening of the documentary, projected against the wall of the local shopping centre which has been closed for years now. In fact, the only things in the Square now seem to be the tavern/bottle shop, and in strange juxtaposition, the local Uniting church. And as we gathered on the car park of the closed shopping centre to watch the movie, some of the boys from the film were there, and the crowd was a little rough and rowdy, but overall a spirit of laughter, generosity and “keeping it real” prevailed.

But for all the talk about the “heart” and “community spirit” of the area, there’s still the drugs, the shootings, the stabbings, the serial convictions and jail sentences, the ready fist, the too-loud laughter and the occasional “Git FARRRRKED!!”. It’s part of the community’s heritage and its legacy. It’s what keeps this place ‘environmentally impaired’. Change is happening, but who you are inside, where you’re from, that never goes away. It becomes part of what shapes you, what makes you decide to do what you do and think what you think.

And I think that’s okay. Life is not a hallmark greeting card, or a neat story arc in a Hollywood movie. Life is not always pretty. Sometimes, life is pretty damn dark. And some people, when faced with that darkness, crumble – maybe because the gap between their expectations and their reality is too great for them to cope. But others embrace the darkness, see it as a challenge; these are the people who stick out their chin and say to life, “Give us ya best shot!” And sometimes they roll with the punches, and sometimes they don’t… but the important thing is, they got in the arena and gave it a go. That’s what I like to think the people of this community are like – people who know life’s not perfect, but they’ll be damned if they’ll let the rest of society determine their worth for them.

I see a lot of myself in this. I’ve been through a lot in my life. I’ve battled some pretty tough demons, including alcoholism and homelessness. And I thought I had closed the book on that chapter of my life, I came out of it fairly unscathed, I don’t need to be that person any more so time to put it behind me and move on with my life, right? But it never really goes away. It’s part of who I am and always will be. I am struggling lately with things I thought were long buried; I can see it affecting my life, my relationships, and my chance to break free from the emotional environment I’m in. But one thing I’m learning is that it does no good to deny the past. I can’t change my experiences – but I’m coming to realise I CAN change what I learned from them.

I hope that I can learn to have the strength to keep it real, acknowledge my past and my imperfections, and realise that it doesn’t have to stop me from achieving wholeness and completeness in my life. I don’t have to worry about labelling myself a victim OR a survivor, I just need to worry about getting in the arena and seeing how well I can take a punch… it may help to have a few friendly faces ringside though. :)

Cadence Poetica

poetic, prophetic, copacetic

human connection