heartbreak

poem: loss (我不想再爱你了)

Only through 
Ghostly echoes
Of old posts and emails
Can I point to any given
Moment and say:
This…
This was the beginning 
Of our end;

Only now that the smoke
Of my affection
Has cleared
Can I see the place
Where my last,
Desperate attempt
To keep loving you
Died.

When I was in it,
I thought I’d hang on
Until The End of the World;
But I guess
The apocalypse
Came and went 
While I was looking
The other way. 

Now I’m adrift with
Memories sudden
And unbidden:
Your smile, your laugh 
Your gesticulation –
Scattered ashes;
A corpse is required for a resurrection 
You didn’t even leave me a grave
To mourn beside.

poem: gold/dust

A gold ring with a single diamond 
Sits on a shelf collecting dust
And I’m trying not to let this affect my trust issues, but to me
Love
Is not something to be taken lightly –
Love
Is something to be treasured, nourished, protected –
Love
Is sometimes enough.  

And maybe it wouldn’t have gone so hard on me 
If I hadn’t sunk myself so deeply into this,
If I’d learned to recognize the warning signs 
And walked away in time 
Before my life was you, and you – 
You were somebody else. 

But you see – 
I’ve always been most comfortable
In the company of my own making
It’s not that I’m antisocial – people fascinate me
But I find being around them draining,
Maintaining this smile isn’t as easy 
As you might think
Sitting around waiting for gaps in the 
Conversation, so I could speak, 
And the white noise of my past relationships
Has always drowned out my identity
And swallowed my aloneness.   

And then I found – You. 
Someone I never got tired of being around
Someone who just got me
With you, I could be quiet.
With you, I could be the truest version of myself. 

Until one day, I noticed – you stopped getting me
You didn’t really see me
So I learned to shout. 
And then I thought – it’s because 
I was SHOUTING 
So I learned to -whisper-   
I learned to exist 
In the hairline fractures
Of our turbulent silence. 

I promised to love, cherish and respect 
Until death do us part 
And my vow
Was the glue that held us together 
My vow
Kept me taking you back and forgiving you time and again
For these shitty awful situations you put me in
My vow
Was the glue that held ME together.

Then it ended, 
Not with a whimper but a bang
And it was me who pulled the trigger
It was me who stood there
with the smoking gun in my hand
I tried to take it back
and tell you I didn’t mean it
but we both knew that I did –
And the words wouldn’t leave my mouth…

They wouldn’t leave my mouth.

poem: silent scream

I wish I could give birth
to this silent scream.

I wish I could erase the words
“I haven’t been feeling well”
From your vocabulary.

I wish you could feel
How my heart drops in my chest
When you say them.

How you can render a glorious day
Into a magnificent lie
With five simple words
And turn memory
Into ashes in my mouth.

I wish I could give birth
to this silent scream.
Wish I could explain why my smile
Is crooked
And why sometimes I feel like
Running away.

With you,
there’s no more good days any more
Just good moments
Snatched from the teeth of the
Demon inside that wants to
Ruin everything.

I wish I could give birth
to this silent scream.

poem: running right back

– Spoken word piece performed at Re:Image in Nov 2013

We hit the ground running in
Another time another place
And it kills that I can’t trust in us
After all we’ve faced
I’m not saying what we’ve been through
Was inconsequential
But I’m haunted by the ghost of our
wasted potential

And now it’s like we’re on indefinite standby,
Sitting back watching my life flash
Before my eyes
And I know the lies you sold me
Before you got to know me
Are gonna leave me old & lonely
but I keep hanging on –

I’m tenacious
Cos I gotta be strong and believe
This ain’t just a going nowhere thing
That we can make it back to the
place where we
Had each other’s backs
where we were the best that we could be.

So I push through
Both of us trapped in this compromise
Living lives we never wanted
Feeding off each other’s pride
a tug of war for the heart and
Neither of us satisfied

And every day we lose a little more ground
And every day there’s less & less faith to be found
And I pray every day it will all work itself out
That I’ll find a way to clear away all the doubt

And just be,
The way it was at the start –
Just you and me
Ready to take on the world
Ready to see
What we were capable of
With just a spit and a polish
And a profession of love
Before we reached checkmate
Before we got tongue-tied
Before the third guest at our table arrived
Before we had to fight just to keep love alive
Before ambition was a dirty word.

And every day we lose a little more ground
And every day there’s less & less faith to be found
And I pray every day it will all work itself out
That I’ll find a way to clear away all the doub

So take me back to that place
Or I’m gonna lose you
Take me back to that place
And let’s see this through
Together, hand/in/hand, just you and me
Let’s strip it back
And see what’s left to see
Let’s strip it back to the you and me.
Let’s strip it back to the you and me.

poem: eviscerate

The pen is mightier than the sword
But not all have the power to use it –
Do I? After all the abusive shit you put me through,
You bet I do! Hey, if Taylor Swift can do it,
I can too – I’ll eviscerate you
Till there’s nothing left,
But a pile of regrets
And a handful of memories I just can’t quite shed
See that’s the thing, in killing you
I’m killing a part of me, but it’s worth it
To make the hurt and anger go away
To live to fight another day
To reduce you to rubble
There’s nothing left to say…
Eat my dust.

Poem: dorian grey’s portrait

How is it possible for me to hate
The one person I love the most?
How can I honestly say
That falling in love with you
Was a big mistake?
You’ve given me some of my best years
But also some of my worst…
I’m struggling to keep my head
Above the water
Yet I’m dying of thirst.
I’m using myself up
To help you reach your goals and dreams
And I’m wondering what happened
To the girl I used to be.
What happened to all my potential,
My spark, my pizzazz?
My charm and my sass?
The “kiss my ass” attitude I used to have?
I love you so much
But I’m losing my touch
And the question is tough…
At what point do I walk away?
At what point is Love
Not enough?

poem: burn

I burn the you right out of me
I forget your face
I hardened my heart against your words
I magnify the space
Too late to change the past I fear
Too late, my destiny is set
And I cannot go back
I will not break free
The walls you find so hard to crack
Are there to keep you out
I’m protecting both of us
From uncertainty and doubt
Too late to be who I once thought
I could learn to be,
Too late to learn to love and trust
To stop indemnity.

poem: low trip

// Across

While I wasn’t looking
Asleep in my own dream
You infiltrated my defenses
Now I’m addicted
Enchanted, in love

// When I’M Lowe

I thought we had a chance
I thought I could keep my head
Above the water you insisted
On drowning me in

I though I could love you
And not be ensnared
By your captivating eyes of ice
Or the goldenness of your skin

I thought this would be different –
That we could maintain and
Honesty would find its way
Into your Vocabulary

But once again I’m proven wrong,
And so I stand alone
Longing for someone who
Cannot even see my injury

// Benched

I never took you for granted
But you took me for a fool
Now all I have is emptiness
The emptiness you gave
Has this made you satisfied
Knowing you make me cry inside
How can you pretend like this
Never meant a thing;
You leave me here alone
While you move on –
Leaving me to watch you
From the sidelines

poem: familiar breeds

Last night a shot of courage
Loosened my inhibited tongue
And I admitted some things
Better left unsaid

I felt the strong circle of your arms
As you enfolded me in your
Uncomplicated kiss
Just as sweet as I remembered it

Your lips nibbled at my skin
Butterscotch and heady wine,
French delicacies, savouring them

Knots on a fishing boat, close knit
and securely tied – we slept
Lulled by the rhythm of the
Sea that was our breathing
Synchronised, beating hearts:

For once, my dreams came easy.

poem: cosmos girl / seeing you again

// cosmos girl

She sits on the train
Her newly-dyed hair
Swinging lazily
Into her face
Eyes full of pain
That you put there.
How she misses your tall arms!
The solidness of your chest,
The gleam of your teeth
As you told another
Lame
Joke

// seeing you again

I left your side today
And wondered why I ever had;
That silly misunderstanding ‘
Seemed so far in the past.

This afternoon, our time,
A dance of familiarity
Our jokes, our gestures both hid looks
Of unquestionable compatibility
I leaned into you,
Our fingers intertwined;
Your lips brushed my cheek
As you said goodbye –
And the “rightness” of it all
Frightened me.
You made me remember
The person that I’d lost,
Before I became too lost
To remember.
you made me smile and
Warmness stole my heart away
For just a little bit,
And as we said goodby
I contemplated kissing you;
And now I regret
That I didn’t.

poem: bootstraps

Can you lace my boots up tight,
The way he used to do?
And can you make the planet shrink
Until there’s just us two?

Can you make me laugh with you,
Can you make me cry?
Does the thought of losing me
Bring a teardrop to your eye?

Do you feel as if we share
One heart, one soul, one mind?
If you were able to open me up,
Would you love the Me inside?

Can you make each moment count,
Simply because it’s spent with you?
And can you lace my boots up tight,
The way he used to do?