goals

blog: viewing paradise

I think about how much imagination and energy i had as a child, how much passion and fire I had as a teen, how much ambition and drive I had when I was in my early 20’s. And I wonder where it all went.

The world used to be this great place for me, like Willie Wonka’s factory; a fantabulous everlasting gobstopper of a place, a 3-course meal in a single piece of chewing gum, a rich river of flowing chocolate. The world for me used to be the kind of place where schnozzberries really do exist. I used to want to do everything and anything I could and I wanted to do it all at once. I used to write poetry, sing, act, read, party, sew, paint, cook great food and throw fabulous soirees. I was witty, I was funny, I had an incredibly full social life.

I wish I knew how to get all of that back. Sure I could go on medication for my depression, and probably should. A little discipline in my life wouldn’t go astray either; I could benefit from a stricter diet and exercise regime – feeling good about how I look is the first step to feeling good about myself, I get that. And it wouldn’t kill me to make a few phone calls, touch base with a few friends, buy a diary and start filling up my spare time with stuff. I could join a few groups, pick up a new hobby, message a few guys on a dating site… There’s lots I can do to improve my life.

But is it going to be enough to fix my apathy? What is the cure for waking up every morning and feeling like you’ve heard and seen and done it all a thousand times before? How do you get back the rainbows in life, when it all just seems like a pile of ash? I don’t want to think that my best years have gone by – I’m not nearly that old! I’ve got plenty of time to hit the reset button and get back out there into the game. And I’m trying, but I’m not sure that my “fake it till you make it” approach is going to work here.

I really hate to be on this much of a downer. I hope there are people out there who read this who get how I feel… But at the same time I wouldn’t wish this feeling on anyone. I guess it’s just that I was barreling full steam ahead on what I thought was the right course of action, when suddenly I hit an unexpected iceberg and now I’ve been derailed. People who have been emotionally shipwrecked know that sometimes its harder to fight, that drowning seems like an easier option at times.

And I don’t think there’s any secret trick to getting over it. I think you just have to accept that life is going to be pretty shitty for a while, and make up your mind to keep slugging it out no matter what. There’s no miracle cure. There’s only good days and bad days; and initially there’s probably going to be a helluva lot of bad days compared to the good ones, but in time they balance out and eventually you reach a point where the situation is reversed.

So do whatcha gotta do to bring back the good days – buy a goose that lays golden eggs, get some lickable wallpaper that comes in schnozzberry flavor, or dress up like an Oompa Loompa and sing funny songs. I dunno… Whatever you do, just keep slogging it out. You gotta have faith in the good days; sometimes that faith is all you have to hold on to. But if you do find any miracle cure, let me know!

“If you want to view paradise
Simply look around and view it
Anything you want to, do it
Wanna change the world?
There’s nothing to it”

From “Pure Imagination”, Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

blog: new year, new home, new start <3

In our minds, we had plenty of time to pick out the perfect house, plenty of money to buy new furniture, scores of movers to help us – in reality, we applied for almost the first house we saw, had to prioritise our spending because some fool (which would be me) decided the Christmas holidays was the perfect time to move house, and although we had a couple of friends help with our heavy furniture, most of the moving was done by us in our beat-up station wagon.

So it wasn’t exactly the fastest move in the west. Iit’s been exhausting and in future I will definitely hire movers to do the lot in one day… and Jim’s Mowing to do the yards. Doing the yards at the old place was such a chore – although I did get to use a hedge trimmer, and destroy things on purpose. :)

Our new place is on a hill in the very middle of a small cul-de-sac. We’ve met one set of neighbours, nodded a ‘hello’ over the fence to the other side, and spied on the rest through the curtains (spying being something I tend to excel at). The back yard is pretty, and I can’t wait to have parties out there! :)

Our little fur family are settling in well. Our ‘firstborn’, Sherlock, is a 4 yr old medium hair tabby; highly intelligent and independent, and the least affectionate of our brood, but he likes being in the same room as us and gets upset when anything in his environment changes… like getting a new kitten, haha.

Sherlock

Sherlock doing his best ‘reflective gaze’.

Then there’s Benny, a 1.5 yr old short hair tabby with a really sweet nature, who we got as a rescue when he was about 7 months old. He has what RZ and I call an “antenna tail”; he walks around with his tail straight up and when he finds something to investigate, his tail flicks forward quickly like he’s typing out a Morse code message!

George is the latest addition. We rescued him from a shelter last August; he is a short hair white and orange kitty about 4-5 years old, nearly toothless and built short and stocky like a bulldog, and very affectionate (but not very bright!). I do think he thinks he’s a dog, he follows us around and sits down at our feet and even when he goes outside he just sits on the porch watching the street until we let him back in.

IMG_1303

Benny and George make a furry Yin Yang

George quickly decided everything was fine as long as his humans were there and he was getting fed twice a day, and he was pretty calm from the beginning. Benny hid under the bed for the first day or two, but like George, quickly decided that as long as he’s getting fed and patted and can still sleep on the bed beside me, life was pretty much the same. He is still a bit skittish, but that’s probably just as much to do with the kitten side of him as it is the unfamiliar landscape.

Sherlock spent longer hiding under the bed than Benny, and slinked around the house with his tail down for a few days, but has started to put his tail up more (which means he’s happier) and sit in the windows looking out. He was the Alpha cat in the old place, since he was there first, but now all three have been moved into the new place at the same time it will be interesting to see who ends up “top dog”.  :)

blog: got any goblin jumper cables?

I told myself I would update this blog in earnest, and it’s been sitting here untouched almost a month. I’ve been in a bit of a funk, letting too many non-essential activities (*cough* world of warcraft *cough*) fill my time so that my personal goals were being neglected, it’s a self-perpetrated cycle of apathy really!

Apart from running my avatars through the wilds of Azeroth, I have started pulling stuff together for Stump, of course. Also I am thinking about trying to get a series of seminars and workshops happening. Apart from that and going to work and various domestic and financial duties (yay, tax time – at least I managed to put mine in early this year!!) I have been doing a lot of soul-searching.

I’ve always believed that ultimately – Divine Will aside – we are masters of our own Destiny, that it is up to each of us to work out what we want out of life and to work towards achieving these goals, so that we can look back on our lives and be satisfied with what we accomplished and who we were as people.

I used to think I would be able to do that – there was a lot of stuff in my life that I didn’t like, dark and troubled stuff, mistakes and regrets. But I have accomplished some pretty cool stuff as well, I’ve made some great friends and loved some awesome people. But in the last few years I’ve really lost that momentum. I look at the life I have now and it’s not the life that I want. I am not the person that I wanted to be.

So I need to make the conscious choice to change things, to bring myself back to the point where I can be proud of who I am and what I can accomplish. It’s going to take baby steps, it’s going to take focus and it’s going to take some sacrifice on my part – but with a clear idea of the direction I want to go in, I know I can do it.

On a random note, I was given a crock-pot a few weeks ago!  We had an “international lunch day” at work; I made an attempt on american-style pork & beans and there were lots of other cuisines represented. One woman brought in a crock-pot for reheating food, and I commented that I’d always intended to get one. Since she didn’t really use hers, the next thing I know I’m the proud owner of a crock-pot!! The only stipulation is I have to get an “action shot” for her blog on sustainability and recycling, so must break out the camera and a slow-cooker recipe book this week. :)

blog: the starting post

So I decided to start a blog, hehe.  I don’t really have much to say but I guess I better put something here to start things off!  I haven’t been doing much the last few days, it’s been pretty rainy so I’ve been tucked away inside playing computer games.

I got an email back from the Black Stump people, and they’re inviting me back this year, yay!  I do so love to Stump!  The theme for 2009 is “Imagine” so I am going to have a lot of fun with that.

I am basically going to do what I call a “girl on a chair” show which is basically just me chilling out with the audience and doing some poems.  One year I brought a 3-legged stool that I borrowed from my sister, which was visually kinda cool, so I might look around for a particular chair to decorate up for the show.   Also I will probably write some new material… I always say that but it’s so hard to make myself sit down and write for any length of time, haha.

Last year I did a bit of a “scripted” show because the theme was “Life”, and I wrote about a girl who’s just died waiting around in Limbo after the funeral and reflecting on her life.  I felt it would be a good contrast, but it didn’t really go over too well… probably because it was a bit morbid and depressing!  Plus, my stage makeup looked pretty freakin’ creepy, which I didn’t realize until after I got the photos back, haha.  So this year I think it will be all rainbows and fairy floss… hey, now there’s a prop idea!!  :D