burn out

blog: stop telling me that it’s easy

People often say things when giving advice – “It’s easy”, “If I can do it, you can do it”, “You just need to try harder”, “You’ll get it next time”, “If you wanted it badly enough, you would find a way”. I get that they mean well. But sometimes people just CAN’T do things, or at least, can’t do them as easily. Everyone’s ability levels are different. We know that. Why does our attempt at support not reflect that?

If you tell someone that the thing they’re struggling with is ‘easy’, if you say there’s no reason why they shouldn’t be able to do it, then by that logic if they continue to struggle, you are saying THEY are the problem. There’s a good chance they’ll internalise that and feel like a failure, especially if it comes from someone whose advice they trust.

A better form of verbal encouragement would look like, “I’ve done something similar in the past, can I share some tips I learned along the way?” Or, “I’m sorry you’re struggling, what part are you finding most difficult and how can I help with that?” It’s okay to acknowledge someone’s shortcomings, if they themselves are acknowledging it and seeking help. It’s way more honest and authentic and builds more trust than some empty platitude.

Another radical idea would be to offer practical support instead of advice, but we’ve wandered so very far from the concept of ‘it takes a village’ and now it’s every man for himself. Nobody wants to ‘feed a man a fish’ because we’ve been taught that letting people work things out for themselves is more beneficial in the long run. But the reality is that some people won’t have a long run, if they can’t overcome some of the hurdles at the start of the race.

Words are important. The language we use matters. It can be be hard to train ourselves out of using phrases and auto responses we’ve used and heard others use our whole lives. But to truly empower someone you have to meet them where they’re at, and let them know that you’ve got their back win or lose. That’s what really counts.

Change is hard. Growth as a person can be uncomfortable. But finding better ways to support each other is worth it.

blog: dazed but not confused

I am Gen X, and while I’m sure many things could and have been written about my generation, this is my story.

My generation was one of “damn the man”; of being angry at our baby boomer parents for screwing up the world with their wars, their capitalism and their environmental rape. We took up the hippie mantle and turned it into grunge activism, we bought t-shirts from The Body Shop to raise funds for tigers, we banned CFCs because they put holes in our ozone. We protested our disenfranchisement by embracing alternative lifestyles, alternative music, leftist politics and fringe religion (anyone remember The Craft?).

We were also a generation who experienced huge feelings of ethical powerlessness, it felt like we were the only ones with our eyes open, seeing changes that needed to be be made and not having a loud enough voice to convince those in power to do something about it (except for the Berlin Wall… that shit fell down on our watch, proud to say) Which led to another Gen X phenomenon – burnout turning into apathy, leading to our generational motto – “Life’s short and then you die, f#@k the world, let’s go get high.”

We embraced technology, but were distrustful of moving too fast, seeing it as an extension of the previous generation’s obsession with “bigger better faster more.” (Personally, I’m still keeping an eye out for the birth of Skynet.)

The world now belongs to the Gen Y / millennials and even the Gen Z. In a few short years, the work force will burgeon with kids who weren’t even born yet while I partied with a bottle of Baileys and my tits out on New Years 1999 (I never claimed to be a saint!).

These are people who were birthed into a world of apps and gadgets; the tech my generation developed and used is now either obsolete (RIP DOS) or running in the background, being taken for granted. My friends’ toddlers either own an ipad or at least know how to use one, and I can’t even figure out how Snapchat works.

The passing of time is a funny thing. Most of the musical influences of my formative years have long since disbanded, their cds placed in bargain bins. Kids listen to the music I listened to back in the day and call it “vintage” or “classic”. Movies that defined and impacted me haven’t seen air time in years. Tom Hanks looks really old.

Whenever I realise events that I think happened only yesterday actually happened 15 years ago, I stop to wonder if the things I do today are going to stick with me 15 years from now. When I struggle to accept new technology, or embrace things that are uncomfortable for me but have become the norm for my society, I feel old and out of touch. And I wonder if that’s the same way my mother felt when I protested the Bobby socks rock’n’roll she played on the radio for being “lame”. Did she see me roll my eyes at her old movies, or was she reliving the time she saw it in the cinema as if it were only yesterday?

I feel isolated and marginalised more and more. Most of my Gen X friends have moved on to other stages of their lives; spouses, kids, mortgages, careers. They’re not living with their heads in the past and wishing for the good old days. Meanwhile, I’m over here mourning the loss of my youth. And this nostalgia suits my melancholic nature, but it also holds me back and makes me sad and ineffective in so many ways. I’m tired of trying to play catch up. I’m tired of trying to recreate my best experiences. It’s both emotionally exhausting and unattainable.

I need to learn to let go of what was and what could have been, and focus on what the present has to offer. I want to engage in life more, and stay open to growth and new experiences. Time moves on, and that’s not always a bad thing. Some things stay the same, but a lot of stuff changes. We just have to try to pass our experiences and our knowledge on as best we can, and not be too quick to close off any chapters in our own story.

Write a sequel! The universe is always expanding to include new and shiny things!

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blog: viewing paradise

I think about how much imagination and energy i had as a child, how much passion and fire I had as a teen, how much ambition and drive I had when I was in my early 20’s. And I wonder where it all went.

The world used to be this great place for me, like Willie Wonka’s factory; a fantabulous everlasting gobstopper of a place, a 3-course meal in a single piece of chewing gum, a rich river of flowing chocolate. The world for me used to be the kind of place where schnozzberries really do exist. I used to want to do everything and anything I could and I wanted to do it all at once. I used to write poetry, sing, act, read, party, sew, paint, cook great food and throw fabulous soirees. I was witty, I was funny, I had an incredibly full social life.

I wish I knew how to get all of that back. Sure I could go on medication for my depression, and probably should. A little discipline in my life wouldn’t go astray either; I could benefit from a stricter diet and exercise regime – feeling good about how I look is the first step to feeling good about myself, I get that. And it wouldn’t kill me to make a few phone calls, touch base with a few friends, buy a diary and start filling up my spare time with stuff. I could join a few groups, pick up a new hobby, message a few guys on a dating site… There’s lots I can do to improve my life.

But is it going to be enough to fix my apathy? What is the cure for waking up every morning and feeling like you’ve heard and seen and done it all a thousand times before? How do you get back the rainbows in life, when it all just seems like a pile of ash? I don’t want to think that my best years have gone by – I’m not nearly that old! I’ve got plenty of time to hit the reset button and get back out there into the game. And I’m trying, but I’m not sure that my “fake it till you make it” approach is going to work here.

I really hate to be on this much of a downer. I hope there are people out there who read this who get how I feel… But at the same time I wouldn’t wish this feeling on anyone. I guess it’s just that I was barreling full steam ahead on what I thought was the right course of action, when suddenly I hit an unexpected iceberg and now I’ve been derailed. People who have been emotionally shipwrecked know that sometimes its harder to fight, that drowning seems like an easier option at times.

And I don’t think there’s any secret trick to getting over it. I think you just have to accept that life is going to be pretty shitty for a while, and make up your mind to keep slugging it out no matter what. There’s no miracle cure. There’s only good days and bad days; and initially there’s probably going to be a helluva lot of bad days compared to the good ones, but in time they balance out and eventually you reach a point where the situation is reversed.

So do whatcha gotta do to bring back the good days – buy a goose that lays golden eggs, get some lickable wallpaper that comes in schnozzberry flavor, or dress up like an Oompa Loompa and sing funny songs. I dunno… Whatever you do, just keep slogging it out. You gotta have faith in the good days; sometimes that faith is all you have to hold on to. But if you do find any miracle cure, let me know!

“If you want to view paradise
Simply look around and view it
Anything you want to, do it
Wanna change the world?
There’s nothing to it”

From “Pure Imagination”, Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

blog: cognitive dissonance – closing the distance

‘Cognitive Dissonance’ – something the Universe gave me to ponder this week. It’s what happens when your statements and beliefs about yourself – who you want to be, what you want to do, and who you expect others to be – don’t match reality.

Like, I want to spend more time on my commute to and from work doing meaningful stuff instead of just sleeping – researching things online, or posting here, or reading news articles, shopping for things, doing a crossword puzzle, etc. I want to go out more, I want to follow my friends on facebook more closely, and text them more regularly. I want to set and maintain a budget. I want to get back on track with my diet, and start making progress on my ‘to-do’ list. But honestly, my life is a mess right now, and I don’t get around to achieving a lot of my goals.

When what we want vs. what actually happens = two very different things, that’s cognitive dissonance. And we feel guilty, hurt, or upset because there’s this massive gap in what we wanted life to be like and what life actually is. The theory is that humans strive for internal consistency, and work to reduce any dissonance or gap between fantasy and reality. We adjust our thinking, try to justify things, make excuses, or flat out ignoring that it’s happening. We create mental stress, because of our belief that things have to be consistent.

So what then… do I just accept that my life is chaos? That I’m never going to get even a 10th of my bucket list crossed off? That I’m always going to be rushing from one thing to the next and missing bits along the way? Or do I bolt everything down and live a life of routine and rigid rules for interaction with others, and try and control my environment as much as I can?

I don’t want my life to be summed up as a bundle of cognitive dissonance. I used to think that if you want to do something, you don’t make excuses, you just make it happen – but the implication  – that if I didn’t make it happen, I didn’t want it bad enough – weighs too heavy on the soul.

I want consistency,  but is consistency really this great prize to reach for if it comes at the risk of mental health and wellbeing?

I guess it’s about finding balance – making adjustments in habit, challenging some of my thinking on what I think “has to be”. And then re-examining my priorities, determining what the “small stuff” is in this big picture, letting go of that concept of “should have” and “must” and living life in a more fluid way.

I think that’s the lesson the Universe is trying to teach me today!

blog: hermitude and judgment day

This year I’ve had one thing happen after another until it finally crushed me. I became exhausted and overwhelmed, jumbled, temperamental, craving solitude and isolation. So when my contract job ended, I decided to take some time off to rest and recover myself in self-imposed hermitude.

So now my phone is on silent, my chat programs turned off, and my email goes largely unanswered.  I go shopping on a weekday when the stores are at their emptiest.  I try and plan only one social thing a weekend if I can.  I wake up, I cook lunch, I pack my husband off to work.  Then I clean the house, I work on personal projects.  The hubby comes home, I cook dinner, we watch Netflix or play WoW, I read before bed (FYI – I haven’t touched an actual book in years).  

And slowly the noise in my head is starting to subside. I find I am so much happier with a slower pace in life, time to think and plan my next move without distraction.  No knot in the pit of my stomach as I struggle to remember how smalltalk is supposed to work. No over-extending myself socially then collapsing in a heap when I come home. No need for the vague and often spurious promises of “Let’s catch up soon”.

At first I felt guilty.  I’m not connecting with my friends enough, and I know that soon I will drop off many radars, just another somebody you used to know. Out of sight out of mind, time marches on, and all that jazz. I’m hoping that when I start feeling more social, I can reconnect with people again. But I also understand now just how much I need a more genuine way of living, one with less technology and more authentic contact with others.

I am done letting social media be my main form of interaction.  I am done with excessive trigger warnings and tumblr, done with discussions about privilege and patriarchy, done with political correctness for its own sake, done with people whose convictions are formed from a cursory glance at mainstream news and infotainment articles, done with frivolous online petitions regarding first world problems.

I don’t want to sound rude.  It’s not that I don’t care about my friends; I want to know how you all are, I want to know who got engaged, pregnant, sick, divorced.  But I no longer want to find out from Facebook.  More and more, I resent the use of social media to keep up with our lives.

What colour is your soul?  What animal is your spirit animal?  What cartoon house should you live in?  This Russian artist just drew something and what happened next will amaze you!  This guy made tiny people out of cheese and filmed different scenes with them every day until he had a cheese-people movie! This dude used to be a dude but now he is a woman and we should all care because his daughters are famous!! 

Chalk it up to Weltschmerz, but it seems like very little of the noise and chatter in the Social Media Soapbox world actually matters.  So here I am like the proverbial old codger, talking about how good things were “back in the day”, when mobile phones were the size of bricks and internet plans were charged by the hour.  Back before people posted photos of their food, before people’s pets had their own Instagram accounts.  I sit here like an old granny in a rocking chair on the front porch with her shotgun, plotting the destruction of Skynet.

Well… maybe not ALL of Skynet.  Because I still need Pinterest for jam recipes and veggie garden tips and homesteading inspiration for when I finally go off-grid.  And I guess maybe the cat videos can stay, and the one of the seal riding on the dolphin.  But tumblr and 4chan are definitely going down.  Make it so.

blog: down in a hole

The thing I miss most about being part of a church or spiritual group is the sense of being connected to something bigger than me.  Others might feel overwhelmed or threatened by the thought of being a cog in the wheel, but I find it comforting. In a way, being a small part of a bigger force gives my existence purpose and direction; it helps to define me spiritually and otherwise.

But lately I feel disconnected.  After reaching a milestone in my life I’ve started to reflect on the past, and I miss some of the things I used to enjoy.  I miss some of the friendships and relationships I used to have, it’s sad that it’s only now I appreciate their true worth. I find myself wanting to wind back the clock a few years, to try to gain back those moments of happiness and the sense of fulfilment I felt at a time when my life was very different.

I am also somewhat isolated now.  I’ve been betrayed by people I thought were friends. I’ve experienced rejection from spiritual mentors and groups from whom I expected support.  Friends and family members have shown me I am not exactly high on their list of priorities.  I feel I have nowhere to turn and withdraw more and more into my own skin every passing day.

Everything I’m going through emotionally is slowly wearing me down. I need to recharge, but without a support network, I feel cut off from the source.  To use an old phrase, I desperately need revival, but bitterness is holding me back. I’m afraid to trust again, to be part of a community that may eventually disappoint or reject me. It seems safer to remain aloof and independent, to rely completely on myself for everything.

And I think that’s an understandable reaction from someone who’s been hurt as much as I have, to withdraw from the world a bit.  That way if I have mistakes or disappointment, there’s only myself to blame. It’s a kind of cocoon, this need to be insular, which protects me while I heal.  The problem is the cocoon is starting to get a bit tight and it’s almost time to leave it behind, but I still feel like I haven’t healed.

So I need to work out where I’m going from here – how do I heal properly, so I can be a part of the bigger picture again?  How do I fix my issues so that when the time comes to rejoin the world at large, I am stable enough to do so?  That’s where I am at the moment, just feeling my way in the dark and trying to find a foothold, because I really don’t want to stay down in this hole forever.