poem: running right back

Spoken word piece performed at Re:Image in Nov 2013

We hit the ground running in
Another time another place
And it kills that I can’t trust in us
After all we’ve faced
I’m not saying what we’ve been through
Was inconsequential
But I’m haunted by the ghost of our
wasted potential

And now it’s like we’re on indefinite standby,
Sitting back watching my life flash
Before my eyes
And I know the lies you sold me
Before you got to know me
Are gonna leave me old & lonely
but I keep hanging on –

I’m tenacious
Cos I gotta be strong and believe
This ain’t just a going nowhere thing
That we can make it back to the
place where we
Had each other’s backs
where we were the best that we could be.

So I push through
Both of us trapped in this compromise
Living lives we never wanted
Feeding off each other’s pride
a tug of war for the heart and
Neither of us satisfied

And every day we lose a little more ground
And every day there’s less & less faith to be found
And I pray every day it will all work itself out
That I’ll find a way to clear away all the doubt

And just be,
The way it was at the start –
Just you and me
Ready to take on the world
Ready to see
What we were capable of
With just a spit and a polish
And a profession of love
Before we reached checkmate
Before we got tongue-tied
Before the third guest at our table arrived
Before we had to fight just to keep love alive
Before ambition was a dirty word.

And every day we lose a little more ground
And every day there’s less & less faith to be found
And I pray every day it will all work itself out
That I’ll find a way to clear away all the doub

So take me back to that place
Or I’m gonna lose you
Take me back to that place
And let’s see this through
Together, hand/in/hand, just you and me
Let’s strip it back
And see what’s left to see
Let’s strip it back to the you and me.
Let’s strip it back to the you and me.

poem: objects in the rear view mirror

– TW: domestic violence

Every step I take leads me further away from you
Without a word you call to me
I look back, surprised to see that once so tall,
You are now so small within my view

Someone must have greased your palm
Because I’m stumbling
Tumbling, tripping, struggling
Slowly slipping from your grasp
Unable to hold me
Unable to control me
You have no choice but to let me pass

There was a time when I hated you
There was a time when I hated myself
There was a time when every man wore your face
And echoes of your presence could be felt in every place
And I hated everyone around me
Even though they were only trying to help

So much anger inside me, so much rage
I threw my own pity party, and –
Though I sent out invitations by the dozens –
No one came.

I took a look around the place where I was at
And found nothing… nothing
But a few dusty party hats
And a half eaten ice cream cake
Melting… melting
I stood with my feet planted firmly on the path
There was no right or left; no up or down
Just Forward and Back…
And I knew I could not stay
So I picked up my feet,
And placed one in front of the other

Now I’m headed for a better day
Because every step I take
Leads me further away from you
And although you were once so tall,
You are now so very small
Disappearing from my view

poem: plastique fantastique

People struggle to make ends meet in a life they never craved
Playing a role they never wanted, like actors on a stage
Being brainwashed into thinking there’s a certain way they must behave
Hostages to a system that’s outdated and depraved

In a world of plastic bubbles and glass ceilings, gold watches dangle from a chain
And we run in step with our directives, like hamsters in a cage
And in the midst of all this madness we pretend that we’re okay
We keep our stories locked inside and our desires at bay

While every one of us is dreaming we’re a superhero in disguise
And there’s a part of us that crumples when we finally realize
That Clark Kent’s just a reporter and Batman’s just a guy
With a really fancy tool belt and a lot of angst inside

But we swallow our disenchantment, forget our childhood fantasies
Fill our bellies with our bitterness, and cause our souls dis-ease.
Yeah we take our dissatisfaction and bury it deep where no one sees
And when it bubbles to the surface we take ourselves off to therapy

In the end we’re all just reflections of a plastic society
No better and no different, trapped inside this tragic comedy
And when you crack the mirror’s surface, you’ll be surprised at what you see
When you crack the mirror’s surface, looking back at you is me.

poem: i need a church

I need a church
I need to find a priest to hear my confession
I need redemption
Before I give in to the temptation of self

Forced to face the reflection of the past
I reach out to touch, and smash the glass
My wrists are slashed and I bleed
The pain is familiar and leads me back to myself

There’s no escape – I am who I am
There’s no reconciliation for the sins of the damned
Just that feeling of being in the other side if the glass looking in…
Heaven turns her back on those who condemn themselves.

poem: confession manifesto

– TW: SA, addiction

Here is my confession – when I was seven
A little boy touched me in a place I didn’t like
No grownups did anything to stop it
And it was all my fault.

Here is my confession – when I was twelve,
I was angry and I didn’t understand why
My parents didn’t believe in counselling so they hit me
With a Bible instead and told me to shape up or they’d ship me out
And it was all my fault.

Here is my confession – when I was seventeen
My father said, “It’s my way or the highway.”
I put on my big girl shoes and lit out
To face the wide world on my own.

I partied and played out tired stereotypes of misspent youth –
I fell into a bottle and stayed there,
So damn drunk I couldn’t hold down a job
Or tell the man who gave me a ride home late one night
That No definitely does mean No.
I burned up opportunities and friendships
Like the cigarettes I lit to mark the sorrow on my skin
And it was all my fault.

In my 20’s I turned to confession,
Threw myself on the mercy of Jesus
And trusted his followers to be cut from the same cloth
But they chewed me up and spat me out
Like wolves in sheeps’ clothes
And it was all my fault.

Confession becomes my obsession,
I scribble poems and half-thoughts on notebook paper that I screw up and throw out
“Not Good Enough” becomes the motto emblazoned across my chest
As I watch other poets spittin it, hittin it as hard as I wanna do,
As I could do, if it weren’t for this damn block –
And the block is all my fault…

I’m stuck in this confession,
Without a priest to absolve me
Or a psychotherapist to resolve me
I’m a puzzle beyond solving
Fault lines crack and plates start to rub each other the wrong way
My skin gets compromised by a million different splinters all pushing to get in
And the –whoosh- of my soul, trying to get out…

But…
It is not my fault.
In fact, it was never my fault.
And for those of you who see a bit of yourself in my story,
It’s not your fault either.
It was never. your. fault.

We were the ones society was supposed to nurture
We were the ones who were supposed to grow up to greatness
The ones who carried the promise of the future in our tender hearts
Like the unopened petals of a sunset-yellow rose
We were the ones who were supposed to hope, to think to dream,
But we got crushed by the machine,
We opened our eyes too wide, when the light was still too bright to hide us.
And the lies they told pierced the unformed armour of our souls
But it was not our fault…

We were just too fucking fragile.

So I want to lift up this poem as an anthem
For anyone who was ever told they were not good enough
Not fast enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough
That they were simply not enough…

I want to burn away the lies and get to the real you
I want to replace the coals of shame with the fires of truth
I wanna lift up this poem as an anthem,
Because everyone knows coals
Are just diamonds
Waiting to happen.

poem: no exceptions

Spoken word piece performed at Black Stump 2011

I’m talking about the people who fall thru the cracks
People no one will help cos they got nothing to give back
People we live with,  work with, people we see every day,
And yet – no one lifts a finger to help because
“I’m just one person” or “It’s not my place”.

They’re out there struggling with next to no education,
Dealing with disabilities, or lacking qualifications
Getting shunted around between different organisations
Not getting the help they need cos they don’t meet the specifications
Not always looking for a handout – just a leg up,
A word of validation

Discrimination is criminal but also subliminal –
Imbedded too deeply in our reptilian brain
We toss aside the opportunity to champion equality
And fight instead for the right to have our comfort zone maintained

And for every person begging on the streets
There are 100 people going home at the end of the day
To put their feet up on furniture they haven’t even paid for yet
This nation’s got credit card debt coming out of its ears
And while we’re busy living beyond our means
Going to extremes chasing our expensive dreams
I wonder if any of us bother to stop – and reflect,
On whether we need what it is we set out to get?

It’s like an addiction, each acquisition
Gaining us new recognition in the eyes of our peers
We’re so dedicated to this self-medicated, over-stimulated,
Sexually emancipated world we created,
Where we can upgrade our homes, our cars, our jobs,
Even our spouses along with our fast food meals
Our products get replaced before the shrink wrap’s removed
We opt for genetically modified foods, synthetic experiences and fake boobs
But shy away from the “real deal”.

We live in time where bigger is better and “want” equals “need”
And we want everything “here” and “now”, immediately!
And in the face of humanity’s greed the seeds of kindness, selflessness
Start to depreciate.
But if we could figure out a way to integrate, to see ourselves
As being part of a whole, not as a stand-alone equation
Maybe more of us would make the transition, re-organise our priorities and ambitions
Make a bit of a difference to the system before it’s too late.

Are you the kind of person who can recognise a human need
And go out of your way to meet it?
Or are you the kind of person who goes around with your eyes downcast –
Ignoring people with problems and misfortunes
So that you can continue your own blissful existence unimpeded?

I’m not a revolutionary
And I’m not a politician
Just a person who believes all life is connected –
And all people were created equal –

No exceptions.

poem: sleepy afternoon

Your words
Spill from your lips
Into the marshmallow softness
Of overstuffed mattresses
I slip…
Further away from you
Sinking into the ever-widening ellipses
of Blue dreaming
The feather-light fibulas of
Time and reason
Tickle the edges of my mind
I turn away –
Take a breath and catch the wave
Blanketed by oblivion’s fuzzy greyness
I let go, carried away by polytheistic tides
Knowing you’ll be there to catch me
On the other side.

poem: RZCW

I am finding it hard to understand
Why the universe would send
Something as good as you my way.
How unusual!
To want, and be able to have;
How exciting –
The places you could take me.
You hold me with careful grace,
A lesson in patient passion.
Your eyes tell stories of things to come,
Your hands trace promises on my skin
You gently wear away my defenses
Like the ocean, lapping at the shore.

poem: eviscerate

The pen is mightier than the sword
But not all have the power to use it –
Do I? After all the abusive shit you put me through,
You bet I do! Hey, if Taylor Swift can do it,
I can too – I’ll eviscerate you
Till there’s nothing left,
But a pile of regrets
And a handful of memories I just can’t quite shed
See that’s the thing, in killing you
I’m killing a part of me, but it’s worth it
To make the hurt and anger go away
To live to fight another day
To reduce you to rubble
There’s nothing left to say…
Eat my dust.

poem: lying in the dark

In the darkness I lay next to you under the doona we picked out together but never used; I remember it was on sale.

In the darkness you cuddle tightly into me, your face pressed against my neck; the barriers of polite distance temporarily torn down.

In the darkness you are a little boy again, an innocent with tousled hair and no defences; I wish I could keep you this way forever.

In the darkness I am haunted by the ghosts of what will never be; I hold you tighter to keep the wolves at bay.

In the darkness my thoughts torment me relentlessly; they pick at my flesh and gnaw my weary bones.

Poem: dorian grey’s portrait

How is it possible for me to hate
The one person I love the most?
How can I honestly say
That falling in love with you
Was a big mistake?
You’ve given me some of my best years
But also some of my worst…
I’m struggling to keep my head
Above the water
Yet I’m dying of thirst.
I’m using myself up
To help you reach your goals and dreams
And I’m wondering what happened
To the girl I used to be.
What happened to all my potential,
My spark, my pizzazz?
My charm and my sass?
The “kiss my ass” attitude I used to have?
I love you so much
But I’m losing my touch
And the question is tough…
At what point do I walk away?
At what point is Love
Not enough?

poem: urban triptych

1. Oxford Street

    We walked along in silence on that cold, grey morning…
    I stumbled, and thought no one would notice, but you did.
    Your arm went hesitantly around me,
    steadying me,
    without really touching me,
    Your voice composed of casual concern
    I noticed you
    For the first time.

    2. Sitting in the dark watching TV

    We sat in the dark watching TV
    Blaring violence in our
    Eerily lit up faces
    The bowl sat between us
    An oily chaperone
    Our hands reached for popcorn
    And found each other
    Unexpected connections
    Mumbled apologies
    Confused thoughts
    Later you stroked my arm
    A single, fluid motion
    One word… “Stay.”

    3. Launchpad

    A window of opportunity
    A chance nearly missed
    Before it has properly begun

    No time to discover you
    As you should be discovered…
    No time to touch you
    As you should be touched…

    I long for extension
    For truth and honesty behind the wordplay
    I lay my hand alongside your face
    You laugh and take it companionably
    Between your own cumbersome fingers

    You ask me out for drinks
    We talk into the night
    You begin to think you know me…

    … Tell me – what happens next?