God is neither male nor female but an all-encompassing creative force, and as such, must be true to all aspects of itself. Putting it simply, God is about keeping balance, and in balance you have the good with the bad and the dark with the light.

Karma is a nice concept, but God is not a Divine slot machine – do a good deed here, say a prayer there, and voila!  People often forget that. I heard a preacher once say, “God does not micro-manage,” and I think that’s true. I like to think that the universe was created and then we were dropped in here, like rats in a maze; whatever we do, whatever happens, there is only an arched Divine eyebrow and a cosmic response of “Hmm… Interesting.”

Coincidence and karma are concepts we made up to give our lives extra meaning, a little added flavour. Sure, it tastes good to believe we are all special and unique snowflakes, but is the desire for spiritual gratification on a personal level getting in the way of our true purpose? By that I mean, does the need to feel like we are being spiritually validated have some emotionally gratifying pay off that causes us to neglect seeking the true but perhaps less glamorous actual voice of God?

Maybe the point of “why are we here?” and “who is God anyway?” is not to reach some universally agreed upon point of enlightenment in which all spiritual truth is revealed. Maybe our true purpose is just to have faith in this well-oiled machine called life, trust our place in the grand scheme of things is as it should be, and then just go out looking for the damn cheese.

The World is locked in a constant cycle of death and rebirth, of expiration and renewal.  It is deeply ingrained in our psyches, this concept of starting over, this desire for tabula rasa – a clean slate.  The first steps on a journey are the most important, as they set the course for things to come.  And what I long for most – what most people crave – is a journey back to a place in time and spirit where we felt the happiest, most empowered, most whole.

I’ve struggled with spiritual identity most of my life.  I’ve had exposure to many different branches of Christianity – Baptist, Catholic, Methodist, Uniting, Wesleyan, Pentecostal, and some I could never quite figure out.   I’ve been a bench warmer and I’ve been a leader. I’ve taught Bible studies and youth groups, preached sermons, and been part of the worship team.  And I was happy during that time. In many ways I still feel that ministry is my calling.

But I’ve also always been a radical thinker, prone to questioning, and being such often places me at odds with the concept of accepting spiritual truths at face value.  I prefer to live life in the grey areas; I could never countenance a good vs. evil, black & white spiritual existence.   Especially when I see the lack of consistency and integrity in a lot of Christian churches today.  I still think Christianity is a valid spiritual path for some, I just don’t believe it right for me anymore.

So I embarked on a quest for a faith practice that would nourish my spiritual self, that would allow me to grow and expand and reach out to others along the way. But so far I remain the lone wanderer, yet to find my spiritual feet.   I set out to be someone sure of herself and her beliefs, someone confident in her abilities.  Instead I find myself lost in obscurity and insecurity, feeling overwhelmed because I know what want and yet I am unsure how to get it.

I am at a crossroads, desperate for direction, clues or signposts for my journey.  Starting fresh from a clean slate can be a tempting concept, but I am not sure where the beginning is anymore.  The ‘beginning’ may even just be an illusion, maybe every beginning is really just a re-packaged ending.  Maybe all we really have to do is hold a few unchanging core concepts in front of us like a compass and stay true to them, and we will find our way eventually to a place of peace – the place where our soul belongs.