Author: Cadence Poetica

Cadence Poeticahttps://cadencepoetica.wordpress.comI am a lot of different things in one package. I am a geek, a poet, a thinker, a seeker. I am passionate, curious, resourceful, stubborn, independent. I'm an "extroverted introvert". I am a spiritual person. I believe in destiny, I believe in fate. I want to be a better person. I want to help make the world a better place. I see life as a journey, an opportunity for constant growth and learning. I like sushi and sea turtles, a good cup of coffee, fluffy cats, the shuffle function on my ipod, a walk on a beach on a grey day, a thunderstorm, a nap in the shade on a warm afternoon… Simple things make me happy, small moments of grace make me smile. :)
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blog: living prayerfully

I don’t think of God as a thing, as a commodity to be valued. The presence of God underlies every aspect of my life and there’s no way I could separate Him, draw Him out and pin him to the corkboard for examination or dissemination.  

But at times I am guilty of taking God for granted, treating Him like a vending machine (“Please help me get to work on time so I don’t have to explain to my boss how I missed the train again for the third time this week!!”). Sometimes I don’t even take time to recognize His presence in my life; I’m not big on formal prayer and often forget to say “hello”. But He always finds a way to give me a nudge or a gentle tap on the shoulder, reminding me that I’m not alone.

I went to a talk on Sunday given by a Benedictine nun. She was very cool, very funny and switched on and down to earth. The subject was “Why Pray?” and she managed to get right to the heart of subject; we could have easily ventured into airy-fairy theological territory, but she kept the talk grounded and real and made some excellent points. 

She said prayer doesn’t have a lot to do with us, but everything to do with God. Prayer comes from God, it’s an open line of communication from the Powers That Be to us; like broadband internet, our line to God is always there. waiting for us to go online. And when we pray, we are not initiating anything, merely responding to the call he puts out to our hearts. 

Another reason we pray is to know our own story. To face ourselves as God sees us and to accept ourselves as He does. And in discovering our story, we also see the face of God. God had only one story, and that story is Love. We need to know we are loved. Most of us crave love and yearn for acceptance more than we realize. God fills the holes we never knew were there. 

The final point the sister made was that when we are in a state of “prayerful” living, we’re more likely to recognize the blessings and good things that come our way. See, God doesn’t always send a lightning bolt down from the sky or even a dove – but God shows up nonetheless. He’s in the guy that gets up and offers you a seat on a crowded train. He’s in the sun that breaks through the clouds on a dreary day. But you won’t see him unless you think to look for Him. And you won’t think to look if you’re not including Him as a conscious part of your life.

I really don’t mean to be preachy. And when I talk about God, in my head I always follow the word “God” with “whoever or whatever you envision him or her to be” – it would just take ages to type all that out every single time. But “my” God is one who is there for me, walking beside me every step of the way. And prayer is communicating with and communing with the One who knows me better than anyone else. Whatever I do, I don’t want to close those channels… Guess I’ll practice living prayerfully and see what happens!!

poem: RZCW

I am finding it hard to understand
Why the universe would send
Something as good as you my way.
How unusual!
To want, and be able to have;
How exciting –
The places you could take me.
You hold me with careful grace,
A lesson in patient passion.
Your eyes tell stories of things to come,
Your hands trace promises on my skin
You gently wear away my defenses
Like the ocean, lapping at the shore.

poem: eviscerate

The pen is mightier than the sword
But not all have the power to use it –
Do I? After all the abusive shit you put me through,
You bet I do! Hey, if Taylor Swift can do it,
I can too – I’ll eviscerate you
Till there’s nothing left,
But a pile of regrets
And a handful of memories I just can’t quite shed
See that’s the thing, in killing you
I’m killing a part of me, but it’s worth it
To make the hurt and anger go away
To live to fight another day
To reduce you to rubble
There’s nothing left to say…
Eat my dust.

poem: lying in the dark

In the darkness I lay next to you under the doona we picked out together but never used; I remember it was on sale.

In the darkness you cuddle tightly into me, your face pressed against my neck; the barriers of polite distance temporarily torn down.

In the darkness you are a little boy again, an innocent with tousled hair and no defences; I wish I could keep you this way forever.

In the darkness I am haunted by the ghosts of what will never be; I hold you tighter to keep the wolves at bay.

In the darkness my thoughts torment me relentlessly; they pick at my flesh and gnaw my weary bones.

blog: on the nature of God

God is neither male nor female but an all-encompassing creative force, and as such, must be true to all aspects of itself. Putting it simply, God is about keeping balance, and in balance you have the good with the bad and the dark with the light.

Karma is a nice concept, but God is not a Divine slot machine – do a good deed here, say a prayer there, and voila!  People often forget that. I heard a preacher once say, “God does not micro-manage,” and I think that’s true. I like to think that the universe was created and then we were dropped in here, like rats in a maze; whatever we do, whatever happens, there is only an arched Divine eyebrow and a cosmic response of “Hmm… Interesting.”

Coincidence and karma are concepts we made up to give our lives extra meaning, a little added flavour. Sure, it tastes good to believe we are all special and unique snowflakes, but is the desire for spiritual gratification on a personal level getting in the way of our true purpose? By that I mean, does the need to feel like we are being spiritually validated have some emotionally gratifying pay off that causes us to neglect seeking the true but perhaps less glamorous actual voice of God?

Maybe the point of “why are we here?” and “who is God anyway?” is not to reach some universally agreed upon point of enlightenment in which all spiritual truth is revealed. Maybe our true purpose is just to have faith in this well-oiled machine called life, trust our place in the grand scheme of things is as it should be, and then just go out looking for the damn cheese.

blog: down in a hole

The thing I miss most about being part of a church or spiritual group is the sense of being connected to something bigger than me.  Others might feel overwhelmed or threatened by the thought of being a cog in the wheel, but I find it comforting. In a way, being a small part of a bigger force gives my existence purpose and direction; it helps to define me spiritually and otherwise.

But lately I feel disconnected.  After reaching a milestone in my life I’ve started to reflect on the past, and I miss some of the things I used to enjoy.  I miss some of the friendships and relationships I used to have, it’s sad that it’s only now I appreciate their true worth. I find myself wanting to wind back the clock a few years, to try to gain back those moments of happiness and the sense of fulfilment I felt at a time when my life was very different.

I am also somewhat isolated now.  I’ve been betrayed by people I thought were friends. I’ve experienced rejection from spiritual mentors and groups from whom I expected support.  Friends and family members have shown me I am not exactly high on their list of priorities.  I feel I have nowhere to turn and withdraw more and more into my own skin every passing day.

Everything I’m going through emotionally is slowly wearing me down. I need to recharge, but without a support network, I feel cut off from the source.  To use an old phrase, I desperately need revival, but bitterness is holding me back. I’m afraid to trust again, to be part of a community that may eventually disappoint or reject me. It seems safer to remain aloof and independent, to rely completely on myself for everything.

And I think that’s an understandable reaction from someone who’s been hurt as much as I have, to withdraw from the world a bit.  That way if I have mistakes or disappointment, there’s only myself to blame. It’s a kind of cocoon, this need to be insular, which protects me while I heal.  The problem is the cocoon is starting to get a bit tight and it’s almost time to leave it behind, but I still feel like I haven’t healed.

So I need to work out where I’m going from here – how do I heal properly, so I can be a part of the bigger picture again?  How do I fix my issues so that when the time comes to rejoin the world at large, I am stable enough to do so?  That’s where I am at the moment, just feeling my way in the dark and trying to find a foothold, because I really don’t want to stay down in this hole forever.

blog: heart of worship

Lately I’ve been trying to organise my music collection – no small task since it’s scattered across my computer, my laptop, my iPhone, and my iPod, plus several boxes of CDs to rip!  But I have made some progress at least.

In the process I’ve found some Christian praise & worship songs I downloaded ages ago and I’ve been listening to them in the mornings on my way to work. I find the music really uplifting, and puts me in the right frame of mind to begin my day.  I even found myself praying this morning (something I haven’t done properly in I don’t even know how long) that I would have a productive day and be open to whatever challenges might come.

I was surprised to find that I still enjoy listening to these songs.  But even though I might not think of myself as being Christian in the strictest sense of the word, I still believe in God as a divine creative force out there looking after me and the rest of the universe.  I respect the teachings of Christ, and while I am unsure what I believe about Jesus, the concepts of sacrifice and redemption, of death, burial and rebirth – common themes in worship music – still make perfect sense.

Maybe one day I will find myself in a church again.  Maybe I have just been hurt so badly that I can’t do the “church thing” right now.  But maybe there is still a place for me in the structure somewhere.  For now though, I think it’s a good thing that I’m praying and pondering God again, and I feel like I need to stay open to that and see where that leads me.

blog: tabula rasa

The World is locked in a constant cycle of death and rebirth, of expiration and renewal.  It is deeply ingrained in our psyches, this concept of starting over, this desire for tabula rasa – a clean slate.  The first steps on a journey are the most important, as they set the course for things to come.  And what I long for most – what most people crave – is a journey back to a place in time and spirit where we felt the happiest, most empowered, most whole.

I’ve struggled with spiritual identity most of my life.  I’ve had exposure to many different branches of Christianity – Baptist, Catholic, Methodist, Uniting, Wesleyan, Pentecostal, and some I could never quite figure out.   I’ve been a bench warmer and I’ve been a leader. I’ve taught Bible studies and youth groups, preached sermons, and been part of the worship team.  And I was happy during that time. In many ways I still feel that ministry is my calling.

But I’ve also always been a radical thinker, prone to questioning, and being such often places me at odds with the concept of accepting spiritual truths at face value.  I prefer to live life in the grey areas; I could never countenance a good vs. evil, black & white spiritual existence.   Especially when I see the lack of consistency and integrity in a lot of Christian churches today.  I still think Christianity is a valid spiritual path for some, I just don’t believe it right for me anymore.

So I embarked on a quest for a faith practice that would nourish my spiritual self, that would allow me to grow and expand and reach out to others along the way. But so far I remain the lone wanderer, yet to find my spiritual feet.   I set out to be someone sure of herself and her beliefs, someone confident in her abilities.  Instead I find myself lost in obscurity and insecurity, feeling overwhelmed because I know what want and yet I am unsure how to get it.

I am at a crossroads, desperate for direction, clues or signposts for my journey.  Starting fresh from a clean slate can be a tempting concept, but I am not sure where the beginning is anymore.  The ‘beginning’ may even just be an illusion, maybe every beginning is really just a re-packaged ending.  Maybe all we really have to do is hold a few unchanging core concepts in front of us like a compass and stay true to them, and we will find our way eventually to a place of peace – the place where our soul belongs.

Kabir – selected poems

I love Kabir and early Eastern mystic poems and writing in general.  I came across some interpreted poems of his and wanted to share.  :)

Interpretations of Kabir poems

From “Love Poems From God” by Daniel Ladinsky

I Just Laugh

If I told you the truth about God
You might think I was an idiot

If I lied to you about the Beautiful One
You might parade me through the streets shouting,
“This guy is a genuis!”

This world has its pants on backwards.
Most carry their values and knowledge in a jug
That has a big hole in it.

Thus having a clear grasp of the situation
If I am asked anything these days
I just laugh.

What Kind of God?

What kind of God would He be
If He did not hear the bangles ring
On an ant’s wrist
As they move the earth
In their sweet dance?

And what kind of God would He be
If a leaf’s prayer was not as precious to Creation
As the prayer His own son sang
From the glorious depth of his soul – for us.

And what kind of God would He be
If the vote of millions in this world could sway Him
To change the Divine law of love
That speaks so clearly with compassion’s elegant tongue,
saying, eternally saying:

“All are forgiven – moreover, dears,
No one has ever been guilty.”

What kind of a God would He be
If He did not count the blinks of your eyes
And is in absolute awe of their movements?

What a God – what a God we have.

Soon We May Be Kissing

There is dew on these poems in the morning,
And at night a cool breeze may rise from them.
In the winter they are blankets, in the summer a place to swim
I like talking to you like this.
Have you moved a step closer?
Soon we may be kissing.

How Humble is God?

How humble is God?

God is the tree in the forest that
Allows itself to die and will not defend itself in front of those
With the axe, not wanting to cause them shame.

And God is the earth that will allow itself to
Be deformed by man’s tools, but He cries; yes, God cries,
But only in front of His closest ones.

And a beautiful animal is being beaten to death,
But nothing can make God break His silence
To the masses and say:
“Stop, please stop, why are you doing this to Me?”

How humble is God?
Kabir wept when I knew.

The Past’s Lips are not Deceased

Why not look at the beauty your memory holds,
So nourishing that light can be.
The past’s lips are not deceased.
Let them comfort you if they can.

It Stops Working

Look –

What happens to the scale
When love holds it;

It stops working.

Da Apawsal’s Creed

I’m currently obsessing over the cuteness that is The Lolcat Bible, which is basically a wiki project to translate the whole Bible into lolspeak, haha.  I even bought the John 3:16 T-shirt which says,

So liek teh Ceiling Kitteh lieks teh ppl lots and he sez ‘Oh hai I givez u my only son and ifs u beleeves him u wont evr diez no moar, k?’

Which is freaking ADORABLE!  :D

Anyway, here is the Apostle’s Creed. I imagine a little praying kitten earnestly saying this in a church service somewhere, hehe.

I beweivez in Ceiling Cat, teh Fathr Almitey,
the makr uv de ceiling and de floor,
adn in Happy Cat, hiz ownlee Son, awr Lord:

Hoo wuz conceived by da Hover Cat,
Born ov teh virgn Mary,
Suffered undah Pontiuz Pilate,
waz crucifid, ded, adn burid;

He descendeded into teh basement.
Teh threeth dai him roes out of teh basement
He climbd into teh Ceiling
adn he sitted awn teh riet paw uv Ceiling Cat teh fathur Almitey;
frum theerz him whil com ta judge the quik adn teh ded.

I beweivez in da Hover Cat;
teh holy catlick church;
teh sharin cookies wit da speshul catz;
teh foargiveness uv invizible errorz;
teh resurrecshun uv teh bodai;
adn teh lief everlassin.

Amen

 

blog: got any goblin jumper cables?

I told myself I would update this blog in earnest, and it’s been sitting here untouched almost a month. I’ve been in a bit of a funk, letting too many non-essential activities (*cough* world of warcraft *cough*) fill my time so that my personal goals were being neglected, it’s a self-perpetrated cycle of apathy really!

Apart from running my avatars through the wilds of Azeroth, I have started pulling stuff together for Stump, of course. Also I am thinking about trying to get a series of seminars and workshops happening. Apart from that and going to work and various domestic and financial duties (yay, tax time – at least I managed to put mine in early this year!!) I have been doing a lot of soul-searching.

I’ve always believed that ultimately – Divine Will aside – we are masters of our own Destiny, that it is up to each of us to work out what we want out of life and to work towards achieving these goals, so that we can look back on our lives and be satisfied with what we accomplished and who we were as people.

I used to think I would be able to do that – there was a lot of stuff in my life that I didn’t like, dark and troubled stuff, mistakes and regrets. But I have accomplished some pretty cool stuff as well, I’ve made some great friends and loved some awesome people. But in the last few years I’ve really lost that momentum. I look at the life I have now and it’s not the life that I want. I am not the person that I wanted to be.

So I need to make the conscious choice to change things, to bring myself back to the point where I can be proud of who I am and what I can accomplish. It’s going to take baby steps, it’s going to take focus and it’s going to take some sacrifice on my part – but with a clear idea of the direction I want to go in, I know I can do it.

On a random note, I was given a crock-pot a few weeks ago!  We had an “international lunch day” at work; I made an attempt on american-style pork & beans and there were lots of other cuisines represented. One woman brought in a crock-pot for reheating food, and I commented that I’d always intended to get one. Since she didn’t really use hers, the next thing I know I’m the proud owner of a crock-pot!! The only stipulation is I have to get an “action shot” for her blog on sustainability and recycling, so must break out the camera and a slow-cooker recipe book this week. :)