Author: Cadence Poetica

Cadence Poeticahttps://cadencepoetica.wordpress.comI am a lot of different things in one package. I am a geek, a poet, a thinker, a seeker. I am passionate, curious, resourceful, stubborn, independent. I'm an "extroverted introvert". I am a spiritual person. I believe in destiny, I believe in fate. I want to be a better person. I want to help make the world a better place. I see life as a journey, an opportunity for constant growth and learning. I like sushi and sea turtles, a good cup of coffee, fluffy cats, the shuffle function on my ipod, a walk on a beach on a grey day, a thunderstorm, a nap in the shade on a warm afternoon… Simple things make me happy, small moments of grace make me smile. :)

blog: cognitive dissonance – closing the distance

‘Cognitive Dissonance’ – something the Universe gave me to ponder this week. It’s what happens when your statements and beliefs about yourself – who you want to be, what you want to do, and who you expect others to be – don’t match reality.

Like, I want to spend more time on my commute to and from work doing meaningful stuff instead of just sleeping – researching things online, or posting here, or reading news articles, shopping for things, doing a crossword puzzle, etc. I want to go out more, I want to follow my friends on facebook more closely, and text them more regularly. I want to set and maintain a budget. I want to get back on track with my diet, and start making progress on my ‘to-do’ list. But honestly, my life is a mess right now, and I don’t get around to achieving a lot of my goals.

When what we want vs. what actually happens = two very different things, that’s cognitive dissonance. And we feel guilty, hurt, or upset because there’s this massive gap in what we wanted life to be like and what life actually is. The theory is that humans strive for internal consistency, and work to reduce any dissonance or gap between fantasy and reality. We adjust our thinking, try to justify things, make excuses, or flat out ignoring that it’s happening. We create mental stress, because of our belief that things have to be consistent.

So what then… do I just accept that my life is chaos? That I’m never going to get even a 10th of my bucket list crossed off? That I’m always going to be rushing from one thing to the next and missing bits along the way? Or do I bolt everything down and live a life of routine and rigid rules for interaction with others, and try and control my environment as much as I can?

I don’t want my life to be summed up as a bundle of cognitive dissonance. I used to think that if you want to do something, you don’t make excuses, you just make it happen – but the implication – that if I didn’t make it happen, I didn’t want it bad enough – weighs too heavy on the soul.

I want consistency, but is consistency really this great prize to reach for if it comes at the risk of mental health and wellbeing?

I guess it’s about finding balance – making adjustments in habit, challenging some of my thinking on what I think “has to be”. And then re-examining my priorities, determining what the “small stuff” is in this big picture, letting go of that concept of “should have” and “must” and living life in a more fluid way.

I think that’s the lesson the Universe is trying to teach me today!

Pablo Neruda – Saudade (Longing)

Because I am feeling melancholy tonight.

SAUDADE

Saudade -Qué será?… yo no sé… lo he buscado
en unos diccionarios empolvados y antiguos
y en otros libros que no me han dado el significado
de esta dulce palabra de perfiles ambiguos.

Dicen que azules son las montañas como ella,
que en ella se oscurecen los amores lejanos,
y un noble y buen amigo mío (y de las estrellas)
la nombra en un temblor de trenzas y de manos.

Y hoy en Eca de Queiroz sin mirar la adivino,
su secreto se evade, su dulzura me obsede
como una mariposa de cuerpo extraño y fino
siempre lejos -tan lejos!- de mis tranquilas redes.

Saudade… Oiga, vecino, sabe el significado
de esta palabra blanca que como un pez se evade?
No… Y me tiembla en la boca su temblor delicado.

Saudade…

LONGING

Longing – What is it? … I do not know … I have searched in a few dictionaries dusty and old
and in other books that that have not given me the meaning of this sweet word of ambiguous profiles.

They say that blues are the mountains like her,
that in her darken the distant loves,
and a noble and good friend of mine (and of the stars)
she named in a tremor of braids and hands.

And today in Eça de Queiroz without watching the fortune teller, her secret escapes, her sweetness obsesses me as a butterfly of fine and strange body
always far – so far! – from my quiet nets.

Longing… Hear! Neighbor, do you know the meaning
of this white word that like a fish escapes?
No… And it trembles me in the mouth its delicate tremor…

Longing…

~ Pablo Neruda en Obras Completas I. De “Crepusculario” a “Las uvas del tiempo” 1923-1954. English translation by Thayne Tuason 2012

blog: just smile and say thank you

I was talking to a friend yesterday about how a lot of people have to learn how to take a compliment graciously. For example, someone says “That’s a lovely dress!” Me a few years ago: “Oh, this old thing? I got it at Kmart on the clearance rack!” Me today: “Why, thank you!” But it took me a while!!

It’s really not hard, but I guess a lot of us struggle because compliments force us to admit we secretly think we look cute too, or did well in a challenge, or cooked a really great meal, etc. A lot of us grow up being told not to “put tickets on ourselves” (for non-Australians that’s “think too highly of yourself”!).

And we have “tall poppy syndrome” here in Australia, where anyone who tries to stand out above the crowd becomes a target for being taken down a peg or two. Which makes today’s rhetoric of “love yourself” and the body positive movement, etc. so hard to embrace for some people.

But if we were to embrace our own awesomeness, it wouldn’t be hard to say “Thank you” when we are paid a compliment. Instead of deflecting the compliment we are paid, I’m sure some people give false compliments just to be ‘nice’ or to be manipulative but I’d wager that most compliments are genuine and people who give them just want to contribute to making your day a little brighter. By deflecting their compliment, you are devaluing their opinion and their contribution to your life.

So practice just saying “Thank you” when people say nice things about you! It’s hard at first but it’s not impossible, and when you do there are smiles all round.

Oh, and by the way – you look nice today!

13423821_1120916191297947_6258078984410481263_n

blog: create your own interpretation

Three things are true:

1. Everyone has a story
2. Your story is important
3. YOU ARE NOT YOUR STORY

We tell ourselves stories all the time. We give meanings to things, it’s kinda what humans do. We hear what people say, we see what they do or don’t do, and we add our own meaning on top. It’s natural to apply personal experience to things, to want to deepen our understanding of them. But too often we stop there, we take our assumptions as gospel.

Assumptions make asses out of umptions, which is bad enough. But when we internalise ‘meanings’ as truths, when we allow these perceptions to become part of our “story”, we cross into dangerous terrain.

Interpreting stuff that happens in a way that is negative and harmful to our self-identity and self-esteem can damage and alter our view of who we are so effectively and insidiously it can take years to come to the surface. And yet these damaging hidden ‘truths’ we embrace about who we are have a very real affect on our actions and choices along the way.

“I’m worthless.”
“I’m ugly.”
“I’m fat.”
“I’m trouble.”
“I’m no good at anything.”
“I tore my family apart.”
“People will always let me down.”
“I have to look out for myself.”
“I can’t trust anyone.”
“I can’t be trusted.”
“I’m a bad person.”
“I’ll only hurt others and let them down.”
“I deserve to be hurt.”
“Nobody gets me.”
“I have no one.”

Seriously, who wants to go through life with a story like that?

Things happen. How you interpret them is going to become part of your story, that’s inevitable. But you are in charge of what you make it mean. Don’t stop at assumption. Don’t short-change yourself. Look at your identity, the stories you tell yourself about who you are, where do they come from?

Our identity is often comprised of a series of coping mechanisms and defences we created to deal with the challenges in life and our limited understanding of them. You don’t need to lock yourself into an identity that was created to address life situations you may no longer inhabit.

Take any of the above statements and picture a friend saying them – how would you react? Would you tell them they were being ridiculous? Would you rush to reassure them that those things are simply not true? Would you help them find ways of turning their thinking around?

Good. Now go look in a mirror, and do the same thing.

“I’m worth everything.”
“I’m beautiful.”
“I’m happy in my skin.”
“I’m someone worth knowing.”
“I’m good at anything I put my mind to.”
“I value and respect my family relationships.”
“People want to be there for me.”
“I can learn to let people in.”
“I have faith in people.”
“I am trustworthy and reliable.”
“I am a good person.”
“I am committed to having positive relationships with others.”
“I deserve to reach my potential.”
“I have many unique qualities to offer people.”
“I have a strong and supportive network.”

Life’s too short to build your identity based on negativity and pain. Embrace change, embrace love, embrace a more authentic and connected life

blog: eulogy for Jim

Today I laid a rose on a casket that belonged to the father of a good friend. I hadn’t had much contact with him in quite a while, but he played a significant part during some of the best years of my life.

Jim was the kind of man who kept an open door policy. He didn’t judge people. He was quick to give you his opinion, and you could rely on him to be honest about how much of a dickhead you were being, but he always let people make their own choices. And he was always there to lend a hand whenever it was needed, from offering a place to crash for the night to picking up a ute-load of stuff.

I practically lived at his house the summer of 1999-2000, during a crazy time in my life when I was making the weird and wild choices only the young can make. There were many nights of pizza and gaming, watching movies and shooting the breeze. And after more interesting pursuits like trying to turn an aerosol can into a rocket and hooning around the streets singing “what’s the colour of a 2 cent piece?” at every cop we saw, we always somehow ended up back at Jim’s. I doubt my parents could count the amount of times they heard, “Yeah I’m still at Jim’s… I’ll be home tomorrow – probably.”

Sure, there were times when Jim had had enough. He’d look at me and say, “Haven’t you gone home yet?!” And I knew it was time to disappear back home for a few days. But Jim always welcomed life and people into his house, was always quick to tell a joke and make you laugh, keen to show off the latest game he was playing or berate us on our lack of musical taste. The house where Jim and his sons lived seemed to attract a happy group of strays who just needed a place to be themselves. And as I said, for me the few years I spent hanging out there were some of the best and happiest times in my life.

I know Jim is proud of the legacy he left behind in his kids, and the turnout at the funeral today is a testament to how many other lives he has touched. Rest in peace Jim, and stir up a few angels for me!

blog: serendipity is a scam

Every ‘beginning’ is a re-branded ending. But if that sounds depressing, the counterpart is also true – every ending is a re-branded beginning. The more you realise this, the more you see that there is no finiteness to the universe, everything is fluid. Everything old is new again.

People often think things like, “If I hadn’t spoken to the stranger on the bus that day, this particular chain of events would never have happened, and I wouldn’t be getting married/ getting a promotion/ writing this book right now. It was meant to be!” Or they apply the same worry to the future, that if we’re not in the right place at the right time, we’ll miss an appointment with destiny. But Serendipity is merely a nice idea.

Story time! Over a decade ago I was coming home from cooking class via the train, and I had a bag full of fresh baked apple pies. The train being crowded, I was standing in the foyer with a bunch of other people, and an alternative-looking guy about my age decided to sit down on the floor. Fearing for the safety of my freshly baked goods, I cried, “Don’t sit on my pies!” He apologised, then said, “You’ve got an accent!” and by the time we had arrived at our destination we were firm friends.

If life were a Hollywood movie, I’d be telling you the story of how I met my husband. But that man has been happily married to another woman for six years now and both of them are very dear friends. True, you could say that a chance encounter led to a friendship that has spanned over a decade now, but it could also have been true that it led to the worst heartbreak of my life, or even nowhere at all.

I guess the point I’m trying to make is that we make our own fate. I do believe some things are meant to come into our lives in some way, but I don’t believe our destinies are set in stone (unless you’re Ta’veren, but that is a whole other blog). The universe gives us the raw ingredients, if you will, but there are many different combinations we can make from those circumstances and happenings.

The concept of time as linear is false. You cannot stray from the path if there is no path to stray from. When you see this, you’ll either feel lost and frightened by s lack of definitive purpose, or you’ll feel liberated and stop beating yourself up about missed opportunities and failed five year plans.

Seeing life events as devoid of the “meaning” we tend to ascribe to them doesn’t have to be depressing and nihilistic. It can be an exciting blank canvas, an empty stage on which to play and create anything we want.

Alan Watts – Acceptance of Death and Meaning of Life

Alan Watts was a British-born American theological philosopher and I encourage you to look into his other lectures as well if you have the time!

This one is a little heavy, but so beautiful. I very much resonate with the view Alan presents here, of understanding life through the lens of death, as a contrast or counterpart, and in that way we stop fighting death and embrace it as part of the natural process. It is actually such a peaceful way of looking at both life and death together in tandem.

poem: epitaph

And so here I am at that time of day
Where I am alone in my head with my thoughts…

Finally free.

Never was there a more fitting epitaph
Let that be written on the certificate of death
When they come to take my empty shell away
Do not say “She died of a broken heart”
That is far too romantic for a melancholic solitary thing like me.
Instead let them only say,

“Finally free.”

blog: on the nature of belief

A thing happens.

Or I find myself in circumstances I don’t fully understand.

Or perhaps things are happening in the background, and I don’t even know.

Then suddenly, something happens that would not have happened if those other things had not happened, something Good.

And I say, “I am Blessed!”

But – blessed by Who?

Am I really even Blessed?

These are the questions that form the basis of the God/no God argument. These are the questions I wrestle with in my soul.

You say, “Of course there is a God! How can you not see all the good He has done for you?

Another might say, “There is no God – It is a series of unrelated circumstances to which you are applying a religious bias.”

Still another might say, “There is a God, but he/she does not micromanage. These events were brought about through your own actions and through coincidence.”

And I say, simply, that I do not know.

Countless happenings day in day out go unnoticed, unremarked upon, because they do not connect to any Good Things. So it is possible that things just happen.

And countless things happen which lead to Very Bad Things too, and cause people to wonder if there is a benevolent Someone In Charge, what use could they have for suffering? So it is possible that there is Nobody In Charge, and that things just happen.

But what I do know is that seeing the butterfly effect of a word spoken, a touch granted, a thoughtful gesture made –

Watching all of those puzzle pieces fall into place with perfect hindsight vision to culminate into the occurrence of a Good Thing,

Makes me feel that there is reason and rhyme to the universe, makes me feel calm, connected to life, safe as if I’m not alone in the wind.

It reassures me that though bad things happen, good things will happen too in time. That is the Faith I hold in my heart.

To dedicate my life to wholehearted and unconditional love, to send out good into the universe, and hope to be part of someone else’s Good Thing.

And to accept love’s ebb and flow into my life, to have patience and endure through the Bad Things, knowing unequivocally this truth –

That Good Things will come once more in their own time.

blog: breaking up is hard to do

I like to think about and write about how people relate to each other on all different kinds of levels. This one is a bit close to home; I’m working through the breakdown of a 6 year relationship right now, and just wanted to share some thoughts in case it resonates with someone else out there too. xx

=======================

We all make mistakes. We are all human. But when I promise forever, I mean it. When I commit, I commit. And because I am committed, I will try to address any threat to the health of the relationship as soon as possible. I will try to find solutions to any problems that arise. I am willing to refine, change and adapt myself (within the parameters of my ethics and standards of course) as the situation dictates. And I will maintain an unshakeable faith that things will be ok and that we can do this.

Hopefully there are many, many people out there who feel the same passion and conviction towards their own relationships. But for a relationship to be workable and stable enough to overcome obstacles thrown at it, it requires the same buy-in, the same level of commitment and faith from the other person in the equation.

And if the other person chooses not to provide that, if they lose faith and walk away, then that’s the choice they make, hopefully with their own well-being in mind. It doesn’t mean they don’t value you or the relationship and all the history you share; it just means they didn’t value it enough to justify remaining in the relationship. It just means that they have chosen to value other things more highly.

It’s instinct to blame and be angry, or analyse “what went wrong”, when we go into things with expectation and optimism and come out the other side feeling disappointed and diminished. You feel a loss more keenly when it happens against your will. And all too often we rush to fill the void with something new or different, because the gaping hole of the broken relationship reminds us that we have bared and shared our soul only to have been rejected. Or we try to hang on, dragging ourselves and our former partners into a drawn out and tortuous limbo.

This is the advice I’m trying to give myself:

Nothing will ever come from trying to breathe life into a corpse. Take a few moments to assess what happened, but don’t obsess. Give yourself honest feedback on what worked and what didn’t (and actually apply that to your future relationships, or you will repeat the same patterns). Take time to re-imagine your context and your possibilities. Be kind to yourself, but don’t over-indulge. Acknowledge that it hurts, but assure yourself that the hurt will not last forever. And if anyone tells you there are plenty of fish in the sea, smile and thank them for the environmental report, but re-learn how to “do you” before you go out and cast any nets.

I’m still working through this…. I don’t have any answers. But I do know that it will be ok.

blog: on tangos

When I promise forever, I mean it. when I commit, I commit. And because I am committed, I will address any threat to the health of the relationship as soon as possible. I will try to find solutions to any problems that arise. I am willing to refine, change and adapt myself (within the parameters of my ethics and standards of course) as the situation dictates. And I will maintain an unshakeable faith that things will be ok and that we can do this.

Hopefully there are many, many people who feel the same passion and conviction towards their own relationships. But for a relationship to be workable and stable enough to overcome obstacles thrown at it, it requires the same buy-in, the same level of commitment and faith from the other person in the equation.

And if they choose not to provide that, if they lose faith and walk away, that’s a choice they make hopefully with their best interests in mind. It doesn’t mean that they don’t value you or the relationship and all the history you share; it just means they didn’t value it enough to justify remaining in the relationship. It just means that they have chosen to value other things more highly.

It’s instinct to blame and be angry, or to analyse “what went wrong”, when we go into things with expectation and optimism and come out the other side disappointed and diminished. You feel a loss more keenly when it happens against your will. And all too often we rush to fill the void with something new or different because the gaping hole of the broken relationship reminds us that we have bared and shared our soul only to have been rejected. Or we try to hang on, dragging ourselves and our former partners into a drawn out and tortuous limbo.

Nothing will ever come from trying to breathe life into a corpse. Take a few moments to assess what happened, but don’t obsess. Give yourself honest feedback on what worked and what didn’t (and actually apply that to your future relationships, or you will repeat the same patterns). Take time to reimagine your context and your possibilities. Be kind to yourself, but don’t over-indulge. Acknowledge that it hurts, but assure yourself that the hurt will not last forever. And if anyone tells you there are plenty of fish in the sea, smile and thank them for the environmental report, but re-learn how to “do you” before you go out and cast any nets.

I’m working through this myself right now, and I don’t have any answers. But I do know that it will be ok. :)

blog: going through changes

I’d been meaning to change my phone passcode for a while, and last week finally got around to it. I picked an easy code, but for a whole week I’ve been typing in my old one without thinking and it’s not until my phone buzzes at me that I realise that’s not my code anymore.

And every time I type the wrong passcode it slams home that NOTHING in my life is what it used to be, and will never be that way again. And while there was a lot of stuff in my life that needed to change, I’ve also lost a lot of reasons to wake up in the morning. I’ve lost my hopes and dreams for the future, and now I have to get new ones, but I don’t want to and I don’t know how.

At the moment I’m just trying to put one foot in front of the other. I’m not the first person whose marriage failed and I won’t be the last. But it really hurts to breathe right now. I wake up in my new room and wonder why my walls are purple instead of white. I wonder where the cats are and why they aren’t beside me. I feel like if I walk out of the room I’ll see my ex partner sitting on the couch or in the kitchen cooking. I often wake up thinking I should check what he wants to do that day or what he wants for dinner.

It’s like for a second my brain rejects my reality because it doesn’t seem like it should be real. For a second I’m all confused, I don’t understand how I got here, and life without him in it just seems wrong. I’m sure in time I will make this all make sense, but right now the dissonance is killing me.