I’m always seeking human connection, but the deepest and most engaging relationships and conversations I have always seem to be in the virtual space. I can’t seem to find it in the real world; I imagine that’s not an uncommon sentiment amongst people who throw their heart up on a screen as words for strangers to read.

I spent most of last year investing time and my emotion into loving someone – well, trying to love someone – who had no concept of love. Once I realised I was flogging a dead horse, feelings of friendship have still kept me bound to them, but often I feel it’s a one way street. I’m still in the same spot I was a year ago. Still feeling very much alone, very unsupported, very unseen. Only this time I’m more resigned, more cynical that I’ll ever find something meaningful.

I don’t have time for this. I am insanely busy – in a new job, and kind of a new career. I commute 2-3 hours a day. I don’t have time for housework or chores, and although I have a housemate who doesn’t work, they don’t do much around the house. So my home is dirty, my lawn is overgrown, I never get to see my cats, I’m stressed, I’m lonely, and I am getting damn tired of not getting any attention paid to me. Kinda over being the one who has to care for everyone else, and not having anyone to look after me.

One silver lining out of last year is that now I’m sure I want the kind of relationship I originally wanted to explore; I just tried to rush into it, jumped before I had all the facts. Which has always been my downfall. So I’m just going to lurk here as I always do, bare my soul in an oversharing extravaganza, and try to avoid making any real world connections too quickly.

The TL;DR is this – there’s a huge hole where my heart used to be, and as always, I’m a very dysfunctional hot mess.