– TW: Su*cidal Ideation

I don’t want to die today
And by that, I don’t mean
That I’m in any danger of dying.
It’s just that today, for a change,
I’m uncharacteristically apathetic about my demise.

I lean back against the train carriage window
Examine the passengers
In the other train speeding alongside
And idly think, what happens if we collide?
But today my brain is not interested
In hypothesising how many pieces of me
would be left to find.

I wouldn’t say I’m in a good place,
Just a numb place, a space
Where neither life nor death hold sway.
Today is not the day I go home and put a gun
In my mouth
Today is just the day I switch on the television
And zone out.

My subconscious keeps counts
of headstones that mark the graves of everyone
Who’s ever believed in me
Helped me be more than I thought I could be.
I can’t help but feel that I’m letting everyone down;
No matter what I do, I seem to drown.

But today is not the day
I linger on the street with one foot off the curb
It’s also not the day the voice assuring me it gets better
is loud enough to be heard…

Today is just a day for just existing.