I think about how much imagination and energy i had as a child, how much passion and fire I had as a teen, how much ambition and drive I had when I was in my early 20’s. And I wonder where it all went.

The world used to be this great place for me, like Willie Wonka’s factory; a fantabulous everlasting gobstopper of a place, a 3-course meal in a single piece of chewing gum, a rich river of flowing chocolate. The world for me used to be the kind of place where schnozzberries really do exist. I used to want to do everything and anything I could and I wanted to do it all at once. I used to write poetry, sing, act, read, party, sew, paint, cook great food and throw fabulous soirees. I was witty, I was funny, I had an incredibly full social life.

I wish I knew how to get all of that back. Sure I could go on medication for my depression, and probably should. A little discipline in my life wouldn’t go astray either; I could benefit from a stricter diet and exercise regime – feeling good about how I look is the first step to feeling good about myself, I get that. And it wouldn’t kill me to make a few phone calls, touch base with a few friends, buy a diary and start filling up my spare time with stuff. I could join a few groups, pick up a new hobby, message a few guys on a dating site… There’s lots I can do to improve my life.

But is it going to be enough to fix my apathy? What is the cure for waking up every morning and feeling like you’ve heard and seen and done it all a thousand times before? How do you get back the rainbows in life, when it all just seems like a pile of ash? I don’t want to think that my best years have gone by – I’m not nearly that old! I’ve got plenty of time to hit the reset button and get back out there into the game. And I’m trying, but I’m not sure that my “fake it till you make it” approach is going to work here.

I really hate to be on this much of a downer. I hope there are people out there who read this who get how I feel… But at the same time I wouldn’t wish this feeling on anyone. I guess it’s just that I was barreling full steam ahead on what I thought was the right course of action, when suddenly I hit an unexpected iceberg and now I’ve been derailed. People who have been emotionally shipwrecked know that sometimes its harder to fight, that drowning seems like an easier option at times.

And I don’t think there’s any secret trick to getting over it. I think you just have to accept that life is going to be pretty shitty for a while, and make up your mind to keep slugging it out no matter what. There’s no miracle cure. There’s only good days and bad days; and initially there’s probably going to be a helluva lot of bad days compared to the good ones, but in time they balance out and eventually you reach a point where the situation is reversed.

So do whatcha gotta do to bring back the good days – buy a goose that lays golden eggs, get some lickable wallpaper that comes in schnozzberry flavor, or dress up like an Oompa Loompa and sing funny songs. I dunno… Whatever you do, just keep slogging it out. You gotta have faith in the good days; sometimes that faith is all you have to hold on to. But if you do find any miracle cure, let me know!

“If you want to view paradise
Simply look around and view it
Anything you want to, do it
Wanna change the world?
There’s nothing to it”

From “Pure Imagination”, Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory