When it comes to medical dramas I was a Chicago Hope fan back in the day.  And one character who only appeared on one episode somehow was able to sum up my whole life experience in one sentence; Carole Kane (as Marguerite Birch) says, “Life has always felt a little shaky to me, ya know?” That one line from that one episode has lived rent-free in my head ever since.

I’ve never felt I had a full grasp on life, on reality or sanity.  I live in that half-light world between dreams and waking; time is and always has been a very loose concept for me. I’ve always felt broken somehow, like a puzzle whose pieces don’t quite lock into place – even if you complete the picture, it will never look cohesive; it will always look like an ill-fitting mesh of laminated cardboard, instead of a landscape or a building or whatever is depicted on the front of the box.  And yet, this dissonance with life and with reality allows me to step outside myself and appreciate things in a way I could not if I were a fully integrated soul.  

In my head, I live in a world without absolutes.  A world where there is no real truth, where “truth” is just what resonates more succinctly with the feeling of being genuine and authentic; and I understand that what resonates with each individual is different and yet no less valid.  A place full of grey areas, a world without the safety net of moral convictions and to quote the great Ozzy Osbourne, “indisputable gods”.  

My Jesus is not your Jesus.  Your Yahweh is not my God.  Our interpretations of scripture, of faith and belief are different; they have to be, because *we* are different.  And so I walk the tightrope dividing the chasm of belief vs unbelief, the same mantra on my lips as was breathed by a grieving father centuries ago: “Lord, I believe!  Help my unbelief!” 

I am a conflicted soul.  I am a skeptic and a romantic all in one.  I have rarely known the comfort and security of unconditional love, and yet I believe in its value with all my heart.  I have seen magic and wonder with my own eyes and can never be convinced that these do not exist.  My world is one of art, of poetry, of chasing after beauty and that elusive nymph called Truth.  I will fight with my last breath for love and the right of the individual to be free to follow one’s own path.  

This conflicts with the actual world I live in – a world of facts and figures, a world of taxes, paycheques and mortgages.  A world of text messages, emails, and appointment books.  A world of black & white interpretations of scripture, of proscribed concepts of the Divine and of regimented worship.  A world of “shoulds” and “musts”.  A world of rat races, KPIs and deadlines.  Of social engagement, social politics, social rules, social media.  A world of white noise. 

Thus my need for solitude and isolation, my need to escape into a reality to which I feel more aligned, a world of infinite beauty and love.  Nature is and always has been my church. The swirl of leaves on a blustery autumn day is my cathedral.  The sounds lovers and friends make when they see each other after a long absence is my hymnal.  The warmth of a robust, frothy cappuccino in a mug is my sacrament. A book of poetry is my holy text.  The beauty of the pulse of life when it’s being lived to the fullest… This is my spirituality and my inspiration.  

This is why I say, “Blessed be.”  This is the peace I wish to everyone.  Love and be loved, celebrate life and let life celebrate you.  Look at reality from different angles, find joy and inspiration on this gorgeous day.