There’s things I want to tell you, but my throat refuses to put out.
My Southern mama taught me too well, honey chile, how to hush my mouth.

So I bite on the gag, suffocate by the way of inertia
Auto-asphyxiate with every word I say,
To feed your need for minutia
Every lie that I tell to hide the tell-tale gaps between
“Hi” and “how are ya?”

My spirit caged like a beast whose claws and teeth can’t be trusted;
Stuffed into a paper mâché shell and made to behave as instructed.
Mustn’t make waves, or put my rage on display –
It’s not the done thing
To air one’s laundry in public.

And I’m a hypocrite, I know, but I’m sick of trying to live –
As one more cog in the machine, one more chain, one more link!
And oh what ignorant bliss, what sweet release it seems!
To close my eyes to infinite dreams and be pulled under –
I envy Rip Van Winkle his twenty years of slumber.

Cos I’m tired – oh, so tired of this deafening silence!
Of the polite noises we make to avoid any violence.
I want to get in the ring, you and me –
Toe to toe and glove-free,
Bare-knuckle love and expression;
No holding back –
Right-hook jazz!
Uppercut poetry explosion…
Exploring the spectrum of human emotion.

I want you to see me for me,
Like, really notice I’m here,
Bursting out of my bands!
Nearly tipping over my chair!

Instead, we share jokes and links and recipes for pot roast.
I ask how your job’s going and like all your Facebook posts.
We make plans for a catch up we both know won’t happen;
I do miss your face, but you’re under-equipped
For the demons I’m battling.

So I pretend to be busy, and you pretend not to notice;
You like all my profile pics and ask how my job’s going…
And then you ask it – THE question – you ask how I am,
For a second, I almost cave, almost grab at the chance
To spring like a captive from restraint, initiate self destruct!
And run as far as truth can, when its moment has come…

But then…
I trip my own tongue,
My shutters fall into place,
The words dry up in my throat, an aborted disgrace.
And I simply smile and offer up the well-oiled phrase:

“Yeah –
I’m great, thanks.”