The World is locked in a constant cycle of death and rebirth, of expiration and renewal.  It is deeply ingrained in our psyches, this concept of starting over, this desire for tabula rasa – a clean slate.  The first steps on a journey are the most important, as they set the course for things to come.  And what I long for most – what most people crave – is a journey back to a place in time and spirit where we felt the happiest, most empowered, most whole.

I’ve struggled with spiritual identity most of my life.  I’ve had exposure to many different branches of Christianity – Baptist, Catholic, Methodist, Uniting, Wesleyan, Pentecostal, and some I could never quite figure out.   I’ve been a bench warmer and I’ve been a leader. I’ve taught Bible studies and youth groups, preached sermons, and been part of the worship team.  And I was happy during that time. In many ways I still feel that ministry is my calling.

But I’ve also always been a radical thinker, prone to questioning, and being such often places me at odds with the concept of accepting spiritual truths at face value.  I prefer to live life in the grey areas; I could never countenance a good vs. evil, black & white spiritual existence.   Especially when I see the lack of consistency and integrity in a lot of Christian churches today.  I still think Christianity is a valid spiritual path for some, I just don’t believe it right for me anymore.

So I embarked on a quest for a faith practice that would nourish my spiritual self, that would allow me to grow and expand and reach out to others along the way. But so far I remain the lone wanderer, yet to find my spiritual feet.   I set out to be someone sure of herself and her beliefs, someone confident in her abilities.  Instead I find myself lost in obscurity and insecurity, feeling overwhelmed because I know what want and yet I am unsure how to get it.

I am at a crossroads, desperate for direction, clues or signposts for my journey.  Starting fresh from a clean slate can be a tempting concept, but I am not sure where the beginning is anymore.  The ‘beginning’ may even just be an illusion, maybe every beginning is really just a re-packaged ending.  Maybe all we really have to do is hold a few unchanging core concepts in front of us like a compass and stay true to them, and we will find our way eventually to a place of peace – the place where our soul belongs.